MsTiara’s Thoughts

I left the guarded boundaries of my palace to the enter the real world, Cyn has wrapped his body around me and now is safely snuggled as a tattoo that lies on my shoulder and peeks out of my shirt protecting me from whatever wants to do me harm.

I am sitting on a bench in the city surrounded by trees watching the world walk by and viewing it’s dramas.

I have my music playing in my ears and can only watch peoples faces and see and feel their energy flow around them.

A couple just walked by with joy radiating from them as they laughed, several others have walked by with those disinterested expressions and distance between them. Some radiate tragedy, others anger and so very many are lost and confused. I am amazed how many have physical bodies here but have no presence or life.

Across the way from me is a group of four people playing out the drama of their own making, one guy for a second looked like he was passing out and dying and is now in a verbal fight with the one who looked like he was trying to help him. Drugs, lack of intelligence maybe just another person who lacks life.

What is it about this world as we live in it now that causes such a disinterest fro being here? During the depression people worried about just eating, during war people worried about dying, that this was the end. But, now we have everything; technology, money, the capability to go anywhere and be anything but we still try to disappear from it all, that we refuse to live, that we refuse to love.

Across the way from me on the other side are two women, both sitting lost in thought, a cloud of loss and sadness covering both of them. Tears fall and grief covers their faces, the hold tissues in their hands to dab away the tears when grief overwhelms them. Are they talking about the loss of a lover or the death of a loved one?

And now a person walks by filled with joy and touches everyone with her golden energy as they passes by.

I am reminded of Charles de Lint’s ongoing theme of the Dream Tree that grows faster and larger than any tree in the park because it thrives on the stories of peoples lives.

So many people walking by lost in drugs, lost in misery and yet a father and his son are in the same world pointing up into the tree completely participating in the joy of this life.

Do you think when people finally stop to notice anything at all that everything will just cease to exist?

The man on drugs continues on in his own universe now curled in feeling a pain buries so deep he just curls in on himself and cries.

Everyone lost in their own drama.

There is always the question of what is our universe, what is our world. I sit and I watch the world move and continue, but I don’t belong to their worlds, their universe. I can feel their emotions beat upon my energy and I feel them drain my emotions but they are all figments that slide by as if they are not even there.

And so I just remove myself from that world and withdraw my energy and I am no more part of that world, but instead back in my castle.

Etoile steps out of the castle into the grayed out world. The rain had been falling for several weeks and she was tired of being stuck in the castle no matter how large it was or how many things you can do in it.

Cyn was curled around my arm with his eye peeking out between her jacket. He spoke in my mind asking if I was going to call Impulse out to play. But, I knew that was worthless, he had another human in another universe that he was spending time with. Cyn wanted to know what I was doing out in the cold if I wasn’t going to get a ride to another universe where it was warm and sunny. I just smiled a secretive smile, knowing that I had been learning on m own and I had power, maybe not the power to universe and time hop, but an even greater power the power to create my own worlds and my own universes. Dragons can only move between, but Stars can create new worlds from scratch.

As Cyn snuggles deeper into my jacket I step to the center of the garden and say a single word. As I speak the world around me shifts and changes and what was once was empty is now filled with a jungle which is warm and rich. The jungle is filled with the sounds of life and the air is scented to the sweetness of fruit. As I step forward onto the path that appears before me, Cyn wiggles himself out of my jacket and starts to fly next to me as I walk along the path.

“Where are we going?” he asks

“I don’t know, but it will be someplace where it is warm and sunny and it will be filled with life.” I answered

Sitting in Montreal with the world conversing around and over my head while I listen to music, the time before the start of a race is interesting to watch the people since they all have a heightened energy and sound around them. Everyone’s voice is a bit sharper and senses are a bit touchy. There is nothing like the feelings of 7 people in a room working together and needing to give 150% for the time of the race and what each of our rituals are leading up to it.

I am a quiet introvert so my ritual is anything that takes me away from everyone else for awhile so that I can get my senses and head in one place to allow my mind to go into a bit of a subconscious mode since so much of what I am doing is very brain intense and if I stop and think I will screw up and slow up the rest of what I have to accomplish.

The princess was moping around the castle with her Protector Dragon, Cyn, wrapped around her arm trying to get her to cheer up.

Cyn, “Come on Etoile, you need to stop thinking about him and go out and enjoy the day.”

Etoile, “You still don’t get it Cyn because you and I are bonded and you can’t imagine ever being away from me.”

“I thought that is what we had and he just flew away and when I try to connect with him via our special energy path, all I get is jumbled emotions and I am not sure if they are mine or his or maybe we never had the connection with begin with, maybe it was all in my head.”

Cyn rumbles in my ear and I hear his voice in my head, “Dragons bond with only one human in a lifetime. As your Protector Dragon I was bonded with you before either of us was born and as we both came into the world at the same time our lives merged and that is a bond that can not be broken. In your Dragon’s case he is a powerful being that has the ability to traverse space and time. The bond you two have is a bond that goes back to the time before time and you have both always had it but the moment you two met, it solidified. It is a different bond than yours and mine but it doesn’t stop it from being real.”

“But, Cyn, how could he just fly away? You would never do that to me.”

“I am sworn and bonded to protect you. I shall be with you until we both close our eyes together. I am your companion and the protector of your soul, not every Dragon is a Protector Dragon. Your Dragon is of the species that rules time and space, he is not one who lives by any ones rules but his own and I think he is as confused as you are to live as long as he has and to come across a human he is connected to.”

“Does any of that make you feel better?” Cyn asks.

“I still sit here alone, trying to connect to that energy that makes me feel so alive, so much like I could fly the world and I was one with it and now I feel empty. I am used to connecting to his mind and now it is no longer there.”

Cyn pets my hair and rumbles in his chest in his Dragon purr and whispers, “give it time.”

Dragon and I continued our vigil in the garden, me with my back against the garden wall watching the negative thoughts hit the shield above the castle and Dragon getting ready to fly off, refusing to support me, refusing to help me get rid of the cause of all the hate pouring towards the castle which he brought into my life.

I ask him where he is heading too and he tells me he is bored sitting in the garden with me and he has other people to visit who he can go play games with. I look at him with hurt in my eyes asking for help, asking for him to be my friend and support me. He says he will always be with me, honestly, but he needs to go on to the many lives he has.

As I sit there in disbelief, he flies away and is gone.

As tears roll down my face and the negative thoughts pound against my shields, I stop and no matter how much I want to yell and rage and hurt, I don’t.

I quietly look up at the sky and a whisper crosses my lips, so low you can barely hear it even if you are straining, “No More. Good Bye.” And with those two sentences, the darkness in the sky fades and the sound of the pounding against the sky goes away and the sky is blue again.

I gather my skirts around me and I walk the path through the ancient trees offering their comfort and love and I head to the castle doors with tears running down my cheeks as I mourn the loss of my friend and I miss my Dragon.

As I enter the doors to the castle, night falls across the land and I head up the stairs to my turret where my Protector Dragon is curled around my bed posts sleeping, as I pet him good night, I can’t believe I had made such a mistake and that I could have been so wrong. I curl into bed and Cyn comes and wraps himself around me and we drift off to sleep.

I am sitting in the garden that is right off of my tower bedroom curled up in a little ball with my back against the wall hidden amongst the roses. Around me above the castle every now and then you can feel a vibration and if you look closely you can see the energy shields that protect the castle from negativity and harm shudder a bit and a blackish purple resonate out from where they have been hit.

I am alone, afraid to allow anyone into the shields because I don’t want whatever that is to come in and harm me.

I hear a voice in my head, it is Dragon asking me to let him in through the shields, he can judge the timing and they will be sealed up by the time he comes through. I so want to let my friend in so I won’t be spending time alone hiding inside the garden, but I am very afraid of the negative force trying to get to me. But, I take a chance and let the barrier down for a brief breath, a second in time and Dragon comes flying through to land next to me. As his feet touches the ground he turns into the boy I know so well.

As he walks over to where I am huddled against the wall and sits next to me with his leg touching mine, he asks, “Why are you so afraid of it?”

“How can I not be afraid? Can’t you feel the hate and malevolence resonating off the energy? Even with all of my shields in place and it being so far away, I can’t make it go away.”

“But you keep on feeding it every single time you react to it, you just have to stop giving it any reaction and it will fade away.” He says.

“Do you know what it is?” I ask

Dragon looks at me with sadness in his eyes, “Yes, I do I am afraid. You are under attack because of something I did and brought into your world.”

I look at him with hurt in my eyes, “Why would you do that? Why don’t you make it go away?”

He leans his head against mine and sighs, “I can’t make it go away, it is tied to me. It is part of who I am.”

I feel his betrayal all the way through my heart and deep into my soul. My friend, the person who I have lived life times with and adventured with brought the negative energy into my life and now it is hurting me and he will do nothing about it. I feel the tears fall from my eyes and track their way across my cheeks.

I have no words, I sit there in silence. He offers up nothing else.

The energy pounds against the shields that surround my castle and resonate a dark black blue against the sky as the sun sets and the world turns black.

Impulse was flying high above the mountains and flying through the holes in the clouds as if they were his own personal playground. On his back was a small, cream colored kitten who was giggling the whole way and their delighted laughter flew out across the land and every time it landed upon the ground flowers would grow and once again the world was renewed and refreshed with joy and happiness and the scars of the war that had raged across the land started to heal.

There is a mist so thick you can’t see anything but shadows moving. No sound, no thought. I move among the mist formless. Tall and lithe with hair down to my knees a straight blondish brown. My face is calm, perfect but not beautiful and not full of life but serene. I have seen life, I have seen death. I wander the path between times, stopping and listening as I go, but nothing captures me. Am I a goddess or a druidess, I do not know. Maybe a princess of the Tuatha danaan, knowledgeable about the vibrations of life but never experiencing it.

As I wander through the gray shadows of time, I catch a voice, I glimpse a golden light. I hide in the depths of the shadows to watch from the heart of a tree who shines lighter for the time I link with it. I see on a rock a young man with hair as dark as the night and eyes as green as the tree’s leaves I am bound too. As I watch I see kids at his feet and couples gathered around him listening to the stories he tells and the songs he sings. As he speaks I feel his energy move out and twine with mine linking us.

He looks toward the tree and I swear he can see me even though I am only a sprit. I hear his voice in my head “sweet goddess, come and walk with me under the moonlight and share your story with me. I shall meet you by the standing stone as the sun sets and breathes it’s last breath across the land.”

I whisper back into his head, “to see the Tuatha is to forever be bound to seeing things that humans are not meant to see. Are you sure?”

“I can already see you so it is something that is meant to be.”

As he finished his story, the bard smiled to his audience and they all laughed in delight as he waved good bye.

I continued to watch the people as they talked and laughed amongst themselves and for a moment I envied them even though their lives would be so short, but a breath to me in my life. But the joy they showed in those moments…

As the sun breathed its last breath across the land and the full moon showed its face to the world, I stepped from the path of the time before time into the world of now. As I came into form, I heard the sigh of the bard as he stepped into the moons light.

“You came, you are not another dream.” He said.

“Who are you?” I queried, “that I could feel you outside the rhythms of life?”

“So the gods and goddesses don’t know all?” He said

“I can tell you the past and the future, I can take you to anywhere in the universe and I can merge with anything that has life. But, I can’t place you and yet I know you better than I know myself and I don’t know why.” I said.

At these words he reached out his hand and touched my cheek and our energy blended and I knew. I just knew.

We spent that day and night and many years walking and talking. I taught him the paths of the Tuatha and he taught me life. As years went by and our friendship became but words for we were truly one, his physical body that he chose in that lifetime aged and I stayed the same. I tried to talk him into no longer aging and to come and live with me outside of time. But he would now. He said that life was about living and therefore about dying, that he chose to manifest in human form to experience the joys and disappointments of this life. As his time in the physical world drew to an end, he and I sat against the trees in the sacred Tuatha white oak grove. Around me were my ancestors and their energy surrounding me, he asked if in the next lifetime if I would like to join him to experience what it meant to be in physical form.

I feared that I was not strong enough, that if I couldn’t find him or he couldn’t fine me that I wouldn’t be able to make it through the emotions of being alive.

He looked at me with his beautiful eyes, now worn from age but still filled with the beauty of his soul, “we are one, bonded since before time began and bonded till there is nothing more. We will always find each other no matter what or when or how. But, it is makes you feel better we will bond our physical beings together here in this sacred grove.” From his pocket he took two perfect earrings each wrapped with the silver white oaks and kissed by the sun and cried upon by the moon and blessed by the starts. He handed me one and I held the other. He reached out and placed the point on my right ear and I placed mine on his left and we each pressed down at the same time and linked our physical life forces for all eternity.

Breathe, settle into my skin, walk away from the past and the ties it has on my soul and my cells. Rediscover me and my soul away from the trauma of the world.

When you stop and do that, it is so easy to get confused. Because when you lift yourself away from the world you forget about the boundaries that humanity applies to you.

I am no longer hungry, the hate of humans does not touch me, I can see the patterns of the world and it is a mess of our own making. Life is about pleasure and hope and joy and light. You can fly and soar and the music of life sings through your soul till you hum and vibrate and resonate.

You are perfect and as beautiful as the tree who lifts its leaves to touch the sky and provide a home to the birds who sing their joy to all who will listen.

There is a world in which peace and beauty are the fabric upon which it is built. In this world is a small area which has a lake surrounded by trees where only honesty and truth can be spoken. Around the lake walked a beautiful girl with a haunting beauty. She seemed to shimmer with an internal light and on her shoulder road a small protector dragon who was black as night and had emerald eyes that seemed to reflect all the colors of green in the world at one time. As you looked into them, you could easily get lost in the worlds which the dragon has seen and will be seeing.

As the two walked around the lake you could hear snippets of their conversation floating on the wind.

Dragon:    I think it’s sad.

Girl: Why is it sad? It is what is real.

Dragon: Don’t you wish you could live in the fantasy and believe it all?

Girl: I tried that, the only person I was hurting was myself. Don’t look at me like that Cyn. I really did believe in it and I loved all of it. I liked the secret world that we created, all of the fantasies, the nicknames, the dreams and the hopes and the wishes. I really wanted to stay there forever.

Dragon: So why didn’t you?

Girl: Because he killed off each one little by little, piece by piece.

It all started with love and romance. That one actually made sense to me. I can respect if someone has given their heart away to the love of their life and their soul mate. I had taken all of my romantic love and hidden it away in my left pinkie toe. So, I was good with the deep friendship, that link between the two of us that is so very rare and special.

Dragon: Pinkie toes are a great place to put something that is so special and that deserves to be protected and Deep Soul Friends that share thoughts and dreams, that is a rare thing, people go through their whole lives trying to find it or wishing for it and never know what they are missing.

So what was the next thing to go?

At this point we stopped on our walk next to a luscious red rose bush that was perfect in its scent and its textures and as we looked at it, it seemed to take us away to a place of intense pleasure. We enjoyed it for a brief time and we walked on.

Girl: I guess the next thing to go was the intimacy and fantasy. I always knew it would be the first item killed off. He thinks of sex as people think of food. He gorges himself in it and loves the variety of different play mates. But, ahhh the fantasies were amazing and the sex was brilliant. The energy flow back and forth and the desire… mmmm the desire like flames when I was with him that burned ever so good.

Dragon: I can understand the flames of desire. I can’t understand the variety since Dragon’s mate for life. But, how can something so good get killed off?

Girl: The day he share the same fantasy with me as he had shared with someone else. I felt cheap and disposable.

Dragon: How did you know?

Girl: One of the girls that he spends time with on a regular basis posted the fantasy almost word for word as he was writing it to me a couple of days earlier. And this is from someone that never leads the conversation at all.

Dragon: I can see how that would burn away a bit of emotion.

Girl: I could handle that, sex isn’t everything no matter how much you want to live in that world of fantasy.

Dragon: But, why can’t you just live in it anyway? Why can’t you lose yourself in it and enjoy it?

Girl: I guess if I can’t be the best at it with someone then why even try if it has no value? Life goes on and he has others to fulfill that need for him. I mean, I still had the very deep soul connection with him.

Dragon: So, what was next to be killed off?

Girl: So many small things that I slowly closed down on. Tucking each other into bed since he would just disappear, I mean why spend joy in a moment that has no value to the other person. Sharing my thoughts since he never shared his back unless I pulled them out of him by asking 20 questions and feeling intrusive. So many things killed off one by one until all that was left was me supplying him energy/empowerment and help on his computers when he needed it.

Where did that leave me? Believing in a fantasy that was non existent, but I still believed that we had a very special deep friendship and I was there for him and loved him in that very rare way.

Dragon: So, that is still one of the rarest gifts in the entire world. People fight and kill for it. It is something that lasts from now until the end of time as we know it and even beyond that. Dragons live for forever and I would cherish and protect that friendship with every last breath and dream and hope I have.

Girl: So would I… So would I… But, I have learned that it doesn’t mean the same thing to him.

Dragon: How can it not? It is something that ties your souls and binds you together.

Girl: He feels that for many women, I am just one of many.

Dragon: Then it isn’t real…

Girl: To me it is. To him, it is just another part of the connection he has with many.

The two of them stop on the grass by the lakes edge and lie down upon the grass and look up at the sky and watch the patterns of the clouds as they twin into different mythical shapes. We both smile as the dragon flies by in the clouds.

Dragon: So where does that leave you if you no longer believe in the fantasy?

Girl: It leaves me to be there for him when he needs me, for even if he doesn’t put the same value on it, it doesn’t stop it from being something very special and rare and something you would fight for and kill for and sometimes just accept the person as they are, because you love them so very unconditionally.

Dragon: I am sorry…

Girl: Why are you sorry?

Dragon: Because what should be so very beautiful is instead painted with the harsh brush of reality.

Girl: Sometimes I want to live in Fantasy

Dragon: Why don’t you?

Girl: Because I don’t want to be hurt.

Dragon: Would you?

Girl: Making people out to be whatever you want them to be rather than accepting them for who they are is never a good idea, you are bound to be disappointed.

Dragon: Maybe they are actually that person and just waiting for someone to see them for it.

Girl: What world do you live in?

Dragon: I live in your head and I like this world.

The Girl starts to giggle and the Dragon wraps his tail around her wrist and they look up to the clouds and point out all of the different magical shapes they make.