A friend asked yesterday if this blog is addressed to anyone in particular? I said yes– it’s a love letter to someone I haven’t met yet. - Taken from Jonathan Carroll’s blog
I fell in love with this quote and I have determined that this is a wonderful way to write a journal.
A friend brought back a pleasant memory the other day that I had misplaced. When asked to describe me, she brought up a moment in time when I was getting ready to travel to Australia and we met for coffee before my flight (time is precious, when you have a moment to catch with friends even if it is only 15 minutes, take it).
I needed to get something out of my carry on bag. Of course, it was on the bottom. As we sat there, I proceeded to unpack my bag. The following items were pulled out in no particular order: A firesuit (I was working with TV in the pits in Australia), a beaded evening gown (I had a banquet in LA when I got back into town), my computer (I never travel anywhere without my baby), a bag of makeup (never check make-up you may never see it again in this lifetime, a stuffed frog (I was helping a friends child for a school project), my journal (I love to write), a book on quantum physics (fascinating subject), romance novel (my guilty pleasure), and a couple of other miscellaneous items.
So, if someone ever asks to describe yourself, what would they say you pulled out of your bag?
I hadn’t seen Dragon since he had gone on his last adventure. I was stuck at the castle learning to be a proper princess (whatever that means). Today was my day of play and I had decided to go out to the garden to work on my ability to create things with my thoughts. As I sat there working on the creation of a butterfly to flit through the flowers, I felt a shadow cross my face as Dragon landed next to me and turned into a boy.
I was so excited to see him, I through my arms around him and gave him a big hug before we pulled back with blushes.
“So, tell me all about your adventures.” I asked, as we walked to sit on one of the benches scattered around the garden.
“It was wonderful, I went to the dungeons in Kalazaar and explored.” He said. “How was your time here working?”
“It was boring as always. I know it is what you do if you want to rule wisely. But I would have had more fun exploring the dungeons. Did you meet anyone fun?” I asked the question so that he would tell me all about the human female he met which the wind had been whispering in my ear for the last couple of weeks.
“No, there aren’t very many people to meet when you are exploring dungeons.” He said casually but I could see the color around him turn purplish black with his lie.
“You are saying there wasn’t anyone with you while you explored? No one?” I asked again, hoping that he was just holding back.
“No.”
“But, the wind tells me of the human you found while in the caves that you rescued and have been spending time exploring the islands with. Are you saying the wind is wrong?”
“You mean My Girl? The wind told you about it?”
“Yes, the wind comes and visits and tells me of the world beyond this castle. Are you saying there was someone?”
“Well, yes I guess there was.” He said
I just stared at him, how was it possible that a Dragon could lie? The Dragon code of ethics is about Honor and Integrity. They are not allowed to lie to continue with their existence.
“You lied to me?” I asked with tears choking my voice.
“I didn’t think it was important to mention so it wasn’t really a lie.” He tried to walk around it.
“But, you can’t lie, you can’t manipulate the truth. You cease to exist if you do.” I continued to look at him with despair. My friend the person I have seen the world with. He wasn’t who I thought he was. Is it possible he wasn’t really a Dragon at all? Something else entirely, something that wasn’t real? A lie from the beginning to the end?
“You are making this out to be more than it really is Etoile. I am still here so it can’t be that big of an issue.”
“You don’t understand, you are still here because I believe in you. You are a dragon, if no one believes then you disappear. Those are the rules for all creatures that are greater than mere existence.” As I continued to look at him, he started to waiver as the tears clouded my eyes and as a single tear drop fell against my cheek he was no longer there.
The tear turned to a star sapphire as it tumbled down my cheek to land on the ground next to the diamond which once was Dragon. And Dragon was no more.
As I cried my broken heart out to the skies sitting in the garden Cyn, my protector dragon, flew up and curled around my arm and laid his head against my shoulder.
“Don’t cry Etoile, he wasn’t really a dragon, just someone masquerading as one. One day, a real dragon will come and he will be worth your tears.”
“You don’t understand, he was my friend.”
“No, you don’t understand. A true friend would never lie to you.”
And the sun set around the castle and darkness fell.
I arrive back at the castle more saddened than when I left. As I land safely on the grounds where I am protected by the very essence of the earth, Cyn starts to take form again and peals away from my skin till he is once again in solid form.
“Why are you still so sad?” Cyn asks.
“Because I don’t want to be another person wandering around lost, missing a part of my soul.” I answer.
Cyn gives an exasperated grumble, “Have you tried to connect with him or have you been wandering around all day pouting and acting hurt?”
“Cyn, you are supposed to be on my side.” I protest
“When you withdraw your energy you hurt him as much as you hurt yourself. He flew away, you didn’t ask him why. Did you think he needs to take care of his own things, his own life?”
“In this world, each of you has your own paths to take and your own lessons to learn. Just because you are bonded through out space and time doesn’t mean that life ceases to exist for one or the other, it means that you need to learn to co-exist and you can’t be self-indulgent because what hurts one, hurts the other.”
“Now stop pouting and connect with your Dragon and make sure you didn’t take away his strength at a time when he needed it.”
As I opened up the wall I had built so I wouldn’t fee Dragon so he couldn’t hurt me anymore, I felt this huge wave of tiredness wash over me and I got light headed from it as it started to overwhelm me. I also felt his grief, his sadness and his pain at causing me hurt and being unable to connect to me either. I cried out wanting to do anything to make it better, if I only could see through his eyes and know what he was going through I would be able to help him out.
“Dragon, show me what you see, maybe I can help.” I cry out into the darkness.
As I close my eyes I start to see flashes or snapshots of Dragon’s world. Negotiations between people, dealing with someone he cares about who is in pain and lashing out at him but they continue to bring pain upon themselves and others and he sits there helpless. He is trying to put together a campaign of so many people but he is tired of them all trying to soothe their egos by being in the spotlight and trying to take control. There is hope and joy and fear as his mind touches upon the new woman in his life, but he is afraid he is making the wrong choice, but she makes him happy. He doesn’t want to cause anymore pain.
So many thoughts and emotions, all washing over me until I am able to harness my calm, cooling energy that allows me to bond to Dragons so that they don’t consume me and I absorb the heat and confusion of the Dragon fire and I return the energy back to Dragon pure and consumable for him to use.
“I love you.” I whisper into the darkness as Dragon flies on with his life and I continue with mine, touching minds with him so that we both know we aren’t alone.
I have a story; it is a story about life. It’s true, even though it may be coloured with my version of reality. I am coming upon my 38th birthday and I am feeling a bit melancholy and a bit reminiscent.
Once upon a time, there was a very shy little girl for who life could only be called hell. One day this little girl stood on the threshold between life or death and she learned one of the most important lessons of all. She is the ultimate decider of her fate. She chose life and then went about creating a life that she wanted to live and that she would be proud to call her own.
But, life isn’t always easy. She had many lessons to learn and several debts to pay for first deciding to die and then changing her mind and deciding to live. Debts that were of her own making and she was the one who had negotiated them, but they were debts all the same.
She decided to make a life of travel and glamour and fun. But, because she felt she was not worthy of it, she refused to truly live it. There are regrets that come of living life in that way. Regrets that still affect you over 6 years later.
She had met a wonderful soul friend, their eyes met and she knew and he knew that there was a connection. But, he was rich, he was successful and he was famous. Our little girl couldn’t speak, couldn’t connect. Her friend continued to live his life, continuously making the connection to her open. But, she couldn’t take it. It was beyond her skills.
He was one of those people that lived life, lived it joyously, fully and with no regrets. He embraced the world, embraced his friends and embraced his life. He was a joy to be around and a joy to watch.
One weekend, he was riding his bike at the race track and a woman was backing up her car and ran into his bike. He fell off of it and broke his hand. He was due to qualify the next day in the race. But, the doctors all told him to give his hand a rest. He did and chose to start the race from the very back of the field. For the first 20 or so laps, he was on the radio talking to his crew with this wonderful joy in his voice, having the time of his life. Everyone in the paddock listened to him and laughed and cheered as he moved up through the pack, now half way, now even further.
That day I was responsible for escorting and taking care of the Charlie’s Angels film crew who was interested in shooting a movie at the Fontana Speedway when the yellow came out. I, used to yellows continued on escorting the crew when one of the broadcasters I work with came up to me. He knew that Greg and Tammy were my friends. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said it didn’t look good. I knew the entire crew. We were friends, we had shared drinks and laughter together. I went to the team and I looked at them, the faces were solemn. The mood was sad. Tears rolled down my cheeks. The soul friend who I thought I would have time to learn from was gone in a second.
Around the paddock in this very tight and close family, we all cried. We all said goodbye. Greg was one of those people that affected everyone he touched in such a positive way. Everyone’s life was changed in that instant. Not one person I know would ever say that Greg’s passing wasn’t a tragedy, wasn’t the ending to a life that had so much left in it. But, at the same time, his death was also a wake up cal to so many people I know about living every second as if it is your last and even when in pain that you need to find joy in the moment, right up to your last second.
There are many regrets in my life. One of them is that I didn’t take that opportunity to overcome my shyness to get to know even deeper this wonderful soul friend but at the same time, I wonder if that wasn’t his purpose and his gift in my life, the remembrance to live.
In the last 6 years I have taken his lesson to heart and I spend my time living and growing. As I come upon my birthday, there is a part of me that also wonders how much of life has been missed, because I still can’t overcome my own personal fears and feelings that I am not worthy to be here, that I still have debts to be paid.
