MsTiara’s Thoughts

Racing is an interesting world, it is like an insidious virus that just when you think you are cured of it, it comes back and starts to fizzle through your blood. Now, is that fizzle more like champagne that makes you giddy or something that will sap your strength as you run around delirious, I am not sure I am the best person to judge.

I thought I would be happy no longer doing it, that I had all the life experiences and amazing moments in time. But, then you get past eh awkwardness and the next thing you know, your soul kind of expands and sucks it all in and you realize it is a part of you and you are a part of it.

I am not sure whether or not I should thank my friend Dan for reeling me back into the world or find a way to pay him back. But, after going to the Indy 500 this weekend and seeing my friends and feeling the buzz of all that energy and excitement, I am back to wanting to go racing rather than easing off into the sunset.

Thanks?

http://www.tsn.ca/auto_racing/news_story/?ID=222195&hubname=auto_racing

Once upon a time, there was a famous race car driver, he won everything and had everything he ever wanted, he was exuberant and talkative and a bit arrogant (okay VERY arrogant). He wasn’t my favorite driver and I never saw what everyone else saw when they looked at him. He won championships like they were water and he went off to Formula 1 which was his dream. But, things didn’t work out and he came back to our series. But when he came back, he came into one of the lesser teams and not everything worked out for him and he had hardship. But, he never lost his smile and his outlook on life. I actually started to like him as a driver and a person.

So, I am in Europe right now and it is very strange how as you go through life you fall into situations and they affect you and you just move forward and process those situations without realizing how much damage was done until several years later. Then you are forced to deal with the aftermath of the junk that happened so very long ago. Hopefully, I am a smart enough person that I deal with them as soon as I realize how they are affecting me rather than after they have destroyed me.

At the beginning of this year, I had to deal with the realization that a friendship had died and it was time for me to decide whether or not I was going to keep it around or clean it out of my life. Rather than holding onto it and letting it affect me and the rest of my life any longer, I dealt with it with compassion and moved forward. But, I didn’t realize that the moment of the actual ‘death’ was still affecting me and affecting how I dealt with so many things. I think in every situation where there is a death, it changes you, sometimes good and sometimes bad. In this death it emphasized something that I have inside me all the time and that is my personal since of introversion.

The death of the friendship was a moment, in a restaurant. It was an Italian restaurant in Milwaukee. The restaurant sits on one of the canals/river and was enclosed in glass. I was facing towards the outside, the other two people were facing towards me. I was eating veal scaloppini. I sat there with two other people, a boy and a girl. One was the friend and was my roommate on the road for almost 10 years. The other person was a boy, who I thought was also a friend. But, as you learn in life, friendship means different things to different people. I sat in the restaurant with these two other people that I know so very well. But, I sat alone. They talked, they laughed, it was if I was just a bag thrown on the chair. I had never felt so alone in my life. It took several more years before the death finally occurred and a full year after the final realization of the death until the healing was able to occur.

I guess that is where I am now, in the healing portion of the death. I just wish it didn’t have to happen while I am in Europe and should be laughing and enjoying myself. Instead, I just want to sit in café’s in the middle of market squares by myself and eat delicious food and write out my thoughts and feelings.

See, I guess the lesson I learned is that I would rather be by myself and alone than surrounded by a group of people and alone. I cannot think of a more soul destroying thing than sitting surrounded by people and being all alone.

So this weekend the owner of our series held a party at his house. I was very excited and kind of curious since I have never been to a billionaire’s house before. The house was 14k square feet and sat on 100 acres of prime California real estate.

The evening started out with all of the race officials loading up into busses for the drive into the hills. After about a half an hour drive, we finally got off the freeway and started driving through the lower class houses (only about a mill to 2 mill each) then we went through a security gate and entered the property. In a way, I was kind of disappointed since California mountain land is rolling hills and yellow grass. Not the gorgeous lushness of an estate on the east coast. However, he did have several acres of planted vineyards and he took over a whole side of a hill and planted rose bushes. The beauty and center point of the whole property was the house, mix of an Italian/California blend that had the sweeping balconies and grand windows that you would expect.

The group I was with was overwhelmed and very cautious. This was our boss and this was wealth outside of the scope of anything we have ever experienced. But our host generously started to make sure that we all had the appropriate alcohol to ease us into the experience. I finally got up the courage to ask for a tour of the house. The kitchen was larger square feet than my entire house in Arizona. The floors were all done in hand hewn walnut and the library was entirely encased in hand crafted walnut bookshelves (my favorite room in the house). The master bedroom itself was kind of small, but then I was introduced to the rest of the suite which took over almost the entire wing of the house.

Artwork wise, they were still in the middle of furnishing and decorating the place since they had just moved in, but there was a beautiful solid jade piece. The base of it was green with white jade veins. The artist had taken the white jade and carved amazing trees out of them. The piece itself (depending on the age of it) could have been anywhere from 100k to a couple of million. I asked several people about it, one who was even there when it was purchased. Sadly, the only thing they could tell me was “we were touring a jade factory in Beijing and liked it so bought it.” This piece would have been one of my most prized possessions; the beauty of it was that amazing. But, to them it was a purchase in a location. The walls were filled with a Japanese Block artist except for the hallway where the master suite was, on the walls there were amazing shots of the Antarctic and a penguin. These were shot by our host himself and you could tell it was something special to him.

The heart of the house was the wine cellar. A room totally encased in marble with a dining table and a grappa making machine. It was attached to the physical wine cellar where thousands of bottle of wine and champagne were stored. While I was on the tour, our host came down with some guests and opened up some bottles of wine for sampling. This was obviously the place to hang for the rest of the evening… Through multiple visits and tours, multiple bottles of wine were opened. My favorite was a white burgundy from France. I am not normally a wine drinker, but this wine was a destination, not something you just drank with your meal or to be social.

While down in the cellar, people would come and they would go. A lot I knew and a lot that were neighbors and guests of our host. One of the guests was a couple who owned one of a kind Ferrari’s. There Ferrari that was parked upstairs that the toodled over in was a stunning affair that everyone kept on raving about since it was truly a gorgeous car. Amusing moment of the evening was me giving the wife advice on how to get her simple old Ferrari Spyder that she wants but since it isn’t one of a kind he didn’t want to buy it for her and the second amusing thing was her husband making suggestions about me dominating him. I smiled and continued to drink my exceptional wine.

Overall impressions was definitely wow followed by, they are just a couple of people holding a barbeque at their house as a thank you for their friends.

The God Room

I don’t talk very much about what I do for my hobby, other than it involves a lot of travel and cars that go fast. But, someone said something last weekend that got stuck in my mind and refuses to let go.

I went out to dinner and ran into some friends and with them was a cardiologist from the Cleveland Clinic who is working on some new technology with us that they will then be able to implement in ambulances and emergency rooms around the world. Now, the group of people was quite fascinating since it had 3 doctors, a physical therapist, a nurse and the technologist working on the project. Then there was me. I was asked what do I do and I tried to give my standard explanation about I do analysis of data for Race Control and one of the doctors piped up, she works in the God Room.

The God Room, what a fascinating and descriptive way to explain where I work and yet at the same time, it doesn’t explain the people in the room at all. It is a group of 7 people who I don’t think could be less god like. I remember when I first got into racing and people would mention Race Control or someone worked in there, I felt awe and I got shy and nervous and felt very small since why would such powerful people want to spend time with little ole me. Now after being in the room, I can tell you that we are just normal people with a whole bunch of flaws working as hard as possible and doing the best we can.

Do you remember Junior High/High School and all the cliques? You had the Student Body, the Athletes, the Cheerleaders and the Geeks (oh yeah, and the band J ). Well Racing is just like that. Race Control is the Student Body, the Drivers are the Athletes, the Cheerleaders are the Pace Car Girls and the Geeks/Band is Timing and Scoring. I am not quite sure how I ended up in the student body but the reality is that we are exactly the same as the Band in regards to our insecurities and geekiness and after all this time, I am beginning to think that ALL of the cliques were exactly the same, it just depends on how good you are at hiding the insecurity and what people’s perception is of you more than it matters who and what you are.

A part of me is still kind of unable to grasp the fact that I am someone ‘of interest’ to people. I guess, once you are a band member that you can never quite grasp the being ‘popular’ concept. Hmmmm… I wonder how much of that is the fact I work in the God Room in comparison to ME being fascinating?

So here I am in Mexico City and if you want to talk about what a strange world I live in, this is the blog that kind of explains it all.

First, there were 3 bombings in Mexico City in the last week. Note, none of these bombings made the world news so I had NO clue what I was walking into. I arrive at the hotel Thursday night and there is a metal detector to get into the hotel. But, they pick up my luggage and computer case and just take it to the other side. I feel ever so much more secure, especially with all of the guys surrounding the hotel with shotguns and other paraphernalia of extinction.

Then the real job got involved… Sigh, why is it that everyone wants something when I am at a race? Phone calls, presentations and dealing with people over the phone for a complex project is just not what I would call fun. The “sorry, I have a session starting and it comes first.” Also has a bit of an issue on the other side of the phone.

Now, racing was okay and somewhat normal if you consider working in Race Control normal.

Then, the day got weird, I get an email from one of my best friend’s ex. They want for us to get to know each other and become friends. Huh? What? Why? Why do we need to understand each other? I am completely lost. But, instead of fulfilling my curiosity I acted with compassion and explained that I am friends with the person and that is where my loyalty lies. This one is strange because you wonder why they want to know you, what was said about you and why in the world would you want to know them. Whatever.

Then it got even stranger on the ride home from the track to the hotel. Wow, now that was a bit bizarre. I have seen the chop shop section of town, gone by the US embassy and Mexico Government building surrounded by riot police shoulder to shoulder, then a large (very large demonstration) against the government where our van with us US contingency drove right through, men with machine guns on one side and people chanting on the other side.

But, I managed to survive the day and here I am back at the track ready to see what this one brings.

I have a story; it is a story about life. It’s true, even though it may be coloured with my version of reality. I am coming upon my 38^th birthday and I am feeling a bit melancholy and a bit reminiscent.

Once upon a time, there was a very shy little girl for who life could only be called hell. One day this little girl stood on the threshold between life or death and she learned one of the most important lessons of all. She is the ultimate decider of her fate. She chose life and then went about creating a life that she wanted to live and that she would be proud to call her own.

But, life isn’t always easy. She had many lessons to learn and several debts to pay for first deciding to die and then changing her mind and deciding to live. Debts that were of her own making and she was the one who had negotiated them, but they were debts all the same.

She decided to make a life of travel and glamour and fun. But, because she felt she was not worthy of it, she refused to truly live it. There are regrets that come of living life in that way. Regrets that still affect you over 6 years later.

She had met a wonderful soul friend, their eyes met and she knew and he knew that there was a connection. But, he was rich, he was successful and he was famous. Our little girl couldn’t speak, couldn’t connect. Her friend continued to live his life, continuously making the connection to her open. But, she couldn’t take it. It was beyond her skills.

He was one of those people that lived life, lived it joyously, fully and with no regrets. He embraced the world, embraced his friends and embraced his life. He was a joy to be around and a joy to watch.

One weekend, he was riding his bike at the race track and a woman was backing up her car and ran into his bike. He fell off of it and broke his hand. He was due to qualify the next day in the race. But, the doctors all told him to give his hand a rest. He did and chose to start the race from the very back of the field. For the first 20 or so laps, he was on the radio talking to his crew with this wonderful joy in his voice, having the time of his life. Everyone in the paddock listened to him and laughed and cheered as he moved up through the pack, now half way, now even further.

That day I was responsible for escorting and taking care of the Charlie’s Angels film crew who was interested in shooting a movie at the Fontana Speedway when the yellow came out. I, used to yellows continued on escorting the crew when one of the broadcasters I work with came up to me. He knew that Greg and Tammy were my friends. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said it didn’t look good. I knew the entire crew. We were friends, we had shared drinks and laughter together. I went to the team and I looked at them, the faces were solemn. The mood was sad. Tears rolled down my cheeks. The soul friend who I thought I would have time to learn from was gone in a second.

Around the paddock in this very tight and close family, we all cried. We all said goodbye. Greg was one of those people that affected everyone he touched in such a positive way. Everyone’s life was changed in that instant. Not one person I know would ever say that Greg’s passing wasn’t a tragedy, wasn’t the ending to a life that had so much left in it. But, at the same time, his death was also a wake up cal to so many people I know about living every second as if it is your last and even when in pain that you need to find joy in the moment, right up to your last second.

There are many regrets in my life. One of them is that I didn’t take that opportunity to overcome my shyness to get to know even deeper this wonderful soul friend but at the same time, I wonder if that wasn’t his purpose and his gift in my life, the remembrance to live.

In the last 6 years I have taken his lesson to heart and I spend my time living and growing. As I come upon my birthday, there is a part of me that also wonders how much of life has been missed, because I still can’t overcome my own personal fears and feelings that I am not worthy to be here, that I still have debts to be paid.

Sitting in Montreal with the world conversing around and over my head while I listen to music, the time before the start of a race is interesting to watch the people since they all have a heightened energy and sound around them. Everyone’s voice is a bit sharper and senses are a bit touchy. There is nothing like the feelings of 7 people in a room working together and needing to give 150% for the time of the race and what each of our rituals are leading up to it.

I am a quiet introvert so my ritual is anything that takes me away from everyone else for awhile so that I can get my senses and head in one place to allow my mind to go into a bit of a subconscious mode since so much of what I am doing is very brain intense and if I stop and think I will screw up and slow up the rest of what I have to accomplish.