MsTiara’s Thoughts

Getting all dressed up, trying to make sure that my clothes looked sexy, innocent and pleasing. I had bought a pair of red heals just for you. My girlfriend and I played with my makeup till it was perfect, giggling all the while. We kept on making cute comments back and forth about you. I was so excited, giggly, acting like I was 13 and you were my first date.

But you didn’t call when you said you would.

I walked the apartment fidgeting. I took off my shoes, looked at the clock, and pretended to my friend that I was okay, that a part of my child wasn’t dying inside. But she knew.

An hour went by, I took off my stocking, removed my skirt, put of my pajamas. How many times did I check the clock, read my email, tried to see if you were online?

Two hours pas the time you said, its midnight now. I feel very small, my heart is bleeding, my child is crying. I say nothing. My friend comes and sits next to me, she pets my hair. What can she say?

I make excuses for you. I lie down on the bed, she sits at the computer. As I start off into space, trying not to think, you call. I kindle my enthusiasm, I brighten up, excited again. Yet a part of that feeling of sexiness, power, joy is extinguished. From that moment on, every time I am due to see you, I wonder, “Will he kill another part of me off again?” Can I ever let my child hope? Wish? Play? Or do I have to keep her in her glass shell, afraid to let her out around you because you have the power to do so much damage, so carelessly.

Days, months, years go by and you still treat my child so carelessly, even after all this time.

Is it no wonder I am reserved around you?

I hadn’t seen Dragon since he had gone on his last adventure. I was stuck at the castle learning to be a proper princess (whatever that means). Today was my day of play and I had decided to go out to the garden to work on my ability to create things with my thoughts. As I sat there working on the creation of a butterfly to flit through the flowers, I felt a shadow cross my face as Dragon landed next to me and turned into a boy.

I was so excited to see him, I through my arms around him and gave him a big hug before we pulled back with blushes.

“So, tell me all about your adventures.” I asked, as we walked to sit on one of the benches scattered around the garden.

“It was wonderful, I went to the dungeons in Kalazaar and explored.” He said. “How was your time here working?”

“It was boring as always. I know it is what you do if you want to rule wisely. But I would have had more fun exploring the dungeons. Did you meet anyone fun?” I asked the question so that he would tell me all about the human female he met which the wind had been whispering in my ear for the last couple of weeks.

“No, there aren’t very many people to meet when you are exploring dungeons.” He said casually but I could see the color around him turn purplish black with his lie.

“You are saying there wasn’t anyone with you while you explored? No one?” I asked again, hoping that he was just holding back.

“No.”

“But, the wind tells me of the human you found while in the caves that you rescued and have been spending time exploring the islands with. Are you saying the wind is wrong?”

“You mean My Girl? The wind told you about it?”

“Yes, the wind comes and visits and tells me of the world beyond this castle. Are you saying there was someone?”

“Well, yes I guess there was.” He said

I just stared at him, how was it possible that a Dragon could lie? The Dragon code of ethics is about Honor and Integrity. They are not allowed to lie to continue with their existence.

“You lied to me?” I asked with tears choking my voice.

“I didn’t think it was important to mention so it wasn’t really a lie.” He tried to walk around it.

“But, you can’t lie, you can’t manipulate the truth. You cease to exist if you do.” I continued to look at him with despair. My friend the person I have seen the world with. He wasn’t who I thought he was. Is it possible he wasn’t really a Dragon at all? Something else entirely, something that wasn’t real? A lie from the beginning to the end?

“You are making this out to be more than it really is Etoile. I am still here so it can’t be that big of an issue.”

“You don’t understand, you are still here because I believe in you. You are a dragon, if no one believes then you disappear. Those are the rules for all creatures that are greater than mere existence.” As I continued to look at him, he started to waiver as the tears clouded my eyes and as a single tear drop fell against my cheek he was no longer there.

The tear turned to a star sapphire as it tumbled down my cheek to land on the ground next to the diamond which once was Dragon. And Dragon was no more.

As I cried my broken heart out to the skies sitting in the garden Cyn, my protector dragon, flew up and curled around my arm and laid his head against my shoulder.

“Don’t cry Etoile, he wasn’t really a dragon, just someone masquerading as one. One day, a real dragon will come and he will be worth your tears.”

“You don’t understand, he was my friend.”

“No, you don’t understand. A true friend would never lie to you.”

And the sun set around the castle and darkness fell.

I arrive back at the castle more saddened than when I left. As I land safely on the grounds where I am protected by the very essence of the earth, Cyn starts to take form again and peals away from my skin till he is once again in solid form.

“Why are you still so sad?” Cyn asks.

“Because I don’t want to be another person wandering around lost, missing a part of my soul.” I answer.

Cyn gives an exasperated grumble, “Have you tried to connect with him or have you been wandering around all day pouting and acting hurt?”

“Cyn, you are supposed to be on my side.” I protest

“When you withdraw your energy you hurt him as much as you hurt yourself. He flew away, you didn’t ask him why. Did you think he needs to take care of his own things, his own life?”

“In this world, each of you has your own paths to take and your own lessons to learn. Just because you are bonded through out space and time doesn’t mean that life ceases to exist for one or the other, it means that you need to learn to co-exist and you can’t be self-indulgent because what hurts one, hurts the other.”

“Now stop pouting and connect with your Dragon and make sure you didn’t take away his strength at a time when he needed it.”

As I opened up the wall I had built so I wouldn’t fee Dragon so he couldn’t hurt me anymore, I felt this huge wave of tiredness wash over me and I got light headed from it as it started to overwhelm me. I also felt his grief, his sadness and his pain at causing me hurt and being unable to connect to me either. I cried out wanting to do anything to make it better, if I only could see through his eyes and know what he was going through I would be able to help him out.

“Dragon, show me what you see, maybe I can help.” I cry out into the darkness.

As I close my eyes I start to see flashes or snapshots of Dragon’s world. Negotiations between people, dealing with someone he cares about who is in pain and lashing out at him but they continue to bring pain upon themselves and others and he sits there helpless. He is trying to put together a campaign of so many people but he is tired of them all trying to soothe their egos by being in the spotlight and trying to take control. There is hope and joy and fear as his mind touches upon the new woman in his life, but he is afraid he is making the wrong choice, but she makes him happy. He doesn’t want to cause anymore pain.

So many thoughts and emotions, all washing over me until I am able to harness my calm, cooling energy that allows me to bond to Dragons so that they don’t consume me and I absorb the heat and confusion of the Dragon fire and I return the energy back to Dragon pure and consumable for him to use.

“I love you.” I whisper into the darkness as Dragon flies on with his life and I continue with mine, touching minds with him so that we both know we aren’t alone.

The princess was moping around the castle with her Protector Dragon, Cyn, wrapped around her arm trying to get her to cheer up.

Cyn, “Come on Etoile, you need to stop thinking about him and go out and enjoy the day.”

Etoile, “You still don’t get it Cyn because you and I are bonded and you can’t imagine ever being away from me.”

“I thought that is what we had and he just flew away and when I try to connect with him via our special energy path, all I get is jumbled emotions and I am not sure if they are mine or his or maybe we never had the connection with begin with, maybe it was all in my head.”

Cyn rumbles in my ear and I hear his voice in my head, “Dragons bond with only one human in a lifetime. As your Protector Dragon I was bonded with you before either of us was born and as we both came into the world at the same time our lives merged and that is a bond that can not be broken. In your Dragon’s case he is a powerful being that has the ability to traverse space and time. The bond you two have is a bond that goes back to the time before time and you have both always had it but the moment you two met, it solidified. It is a different bond than yours and mine but it doesn’t stop it from being real.”

“But, Cyn, how could he just fly away? You would never do that to me.”

“I am sworn and bonded to protect you. I shall be with you until we both close our eyes together. I am your companion and the protector of your soul, not every Dragon is a Protector Dragon. Your Dragon is of the species that rules time and space, he is not one who lives by any ones rules but his own and I think he is as confused as you are to live as long as he has and to come across a human he is connected to.”

“Does any of that make you feel better?” Cyn asks.

“I still sit here alone, trying to connect to that energy that makes me feel so alive, so much like I could fly the world and I was one with it and now I feel empty. I am used to connecting to his mind and now it is no longer there.”

Cyn pets my hair and rumbles in his chest in his Dragon purr and whispers, “give it time.”

Dragon and I continued our vigil in the garden, me with my back against the garden wall watching the negative thoughts hit the shield above the castle and Dragon getting ready to fly off, refusing to support me, refusing to help me get rid of the cause of all the hate pouring towards the castle which he brought into my life.

I ask him where he is heading too and he tells me he is bored sitting in the garden with me and he has other people to visit who he can go play games with. I look at him with hurt in my eyes asking for help, asking for him to be my friend and support me. He says he will always be with me, honestly, but he needs to go on to the many lives he has.

As I sit there in disbelief, he flies away and is gone.

As tears roll down my face and the negative thoughts pound against my shields, I stop and no matter how much I want to yell and rage and hurt, I don’t.

I quietly look up at the sky and a whisper crosses my lips, so low you can barely hear it even if you are straining, “No More. Good Bye.” And with those two sentences, the darkness in the sky fades and the sound of the pounding against the sky goes away and the sky is blue again.

I gather my skirts around me and I walk the path through the ancient trees offering their comfort and love and I head to the castle doors with tears running down my cheeks as I mourn the loss of my friend and I miss my Dragon.

As I enter the doors to the castle, night falls across the land and I head up the stairs to my turret where my Protector Dragon is curled around my bed posts sleeping, as I pet him good night, I can’t believe I had made such a mistake and that I could have been so wrong. I curl into bed and Cyn comes and wraps himself around me and we drift off to sleep.

I am sitting in the garden that is right off of my tower bedroom curled up in a little ball with my back against the wall hidden amongst the roses. Around me above the castle every now and then you can feel a vibration and if you look closely you can see the energy shields that protect the castle from negativity and harm shudder a bit and a blackish purple resonate out from where they have been hit.

I am alone, afraid to allow anyone into the shields because I don’t want whatever that is to come in and harm me.

I hear a voice in my head, it is Dragon asking me to let him in through the shields, he can judge the timing and they will be sealed up by the time he comes through. I so want to let my friend in so I won’t be spending time alone hiding inside the garden, but I am very afraid of the negative force trying to get to me. But, I take a chance and let the barrier down for a brief breath, a second in time and Dragon comes flying through to land next to me. As his feet touches the ground he turns into the boy I know so well.

As he walks over to where I am huddled against the wall and sits next to me with his leg touching mine, he asks, “Why are you so afraid of it?”

“How can I not be afraid? Can’t you feel the hate and malevolence resonating off the energy? Even with all of my shields in place and it being so far away, I can’t make it go away.”

“But you keep on feeding it every single time you react to it, you just have to stop giving it any reaction and it will fade away.” He says.

“Do you know what it is?” I ask

Dragon looks at me with sadness in his eyes, “Yes, I do I am afraid. You are under attack because of something I did and brought into your world.”

I look at him with hurt in my eyes, “Why would you do that? Why don’t you make it go away?”

He leans his head against mine and sighs, “I can’t make it go away, it is tied to me. It is part of who I am.”

I feel his betrayal all the way through my heart and deep into my soul. My friend, the person who I have lived life times with and adventured with brought the negative energy into my life and now it is hurting me and he will do nothing about it. I feel the tears fall from my eyes and track their way across my cheeks.

I have no words, I sit there in silence. He offers up nothing else.

The energy pounds against the shields that surround my castle and resonate a dark black blue against the sky as the sun sets and the world turns black.

There is a world in which peace and beauty are the fabric upon which it is built. In this world is a small area which has a lake surrounded by trees where only honesty and truth can be spoken. Around the lake walked a beautiful girl with a haunting beauty. She seemed to shimmer with an internal light and on her shoulder road a small protector dragon who was black as night and had emerald eyes that seemed to reflect all the colors of green in the world at one time. As you looked into them, you could easily get lost in the worlds which the dragon has seen and will be seeing.

As the two walked around the lake you could hear snippets of their conversation floating on the wind.

Dragon:    I think it’s sad.

Girl: Why is it sad? It is what is real.

Dragon: Don’t you wish you could live in the fantasy and believe it all?

Girl: I tried that, the only person I was hurting was myself. Don’t look at me like that Cyn. I really did believe in it and I loved all of it. I liked the secret world that we created, all of the fantasies, the nicknames, the dreams and the hopes and the wishes. I really wanted to stay there forever.

Dragon: So why didn’t you?

Girl: Because he killed off each one little by little, piece by piece.

It all started with love and romance. That one actually made sense to me. I can respect if someone has given their heart away to the love of their life and their soul mate. I had taken all of my romantic love and hidden it away in my left pinkie toe. So, I was good with the deep friendship, that link between the two of us that is so very rare and special.

Dragon: Pinkie toes are a great place to put something that is so special and that deserves to be protected and Deep Soul Friends that share thoughts and dreams, that is a rare thing, people go through their whole lives trying to find it or wishing for it and never know what they are missing.

So what was the next thing to go?

At this point we stopped on our walk next to a luscious red rose bush that was perfect in its scent and its textures and as we looked at it, it seemed to take us away to a place of intense pleasure. We enjoyed it for a brief time and we walked on.

Girl: I guess the next thing to go was the intimacy and fantasy. I always knew it would be the first item killed off. He thinks of sex as people think of food. He gorges himself in it and loves the variety of different play mates. But, ahhh the fantasies were amazing and the sex was brilliant. The energy flow back and forth and the desire… mmmm the desire like flames when I was with him that burned ever so good.

Dragon: I can understand the flames of desire. I can’t understand the variety since Dragon’s mate for life. But, how can something so good get killed off?

Girl: The day he share the same fantasy with me as he had shared with someone else. I felt cheap and disposable.

Dragon: How did you know?

Girl: One of the girls that he spends time with on a regular basis posted the fantasy almost word for word as he was writing it to me a couple of days earlier. And this is from someone that never leads the conversation at all.

Dragon: I can see how that would burn away a bit of emotion.

Girl: I could handle that, sex isn’t everything no matter how much you want to live in that world of fantasy.

Dragon: But, why can’t you just live in it anyway? Why can’t you lose yourself in it and enjoy it?

Girl: I guess if I can’t be the best at it with someone then why even try if it has no value? Life goes on and he has others to fulfill that need for him. I mean, I still had the very deep soul connection with him.

Dragon: So, what was next to be killed off?

Girl: So many small things that I slowly closed down on. Tucking each other into bed since he would just disappear, I mean why spend joy in a moment that has no value to the other person. Sharing my thoughts since he never shared his back unless I pulled them out of him by asking 20 questions and feeling intrusive. So many things killed off one by one until all that was left was me supplying him energy/empowerment and help on his computers when he needed it.

Where did that leave me? Believing in a fantasy that was non existent, but I still believed that we had a very special deep friendship and I was there for him and loved him in that very rare way.

Dragon: So, that is still one of the rarest gifts in the entire world. People fight and kill for it. It is something that lasts from now until the end of time as we know it and even beyond that. Dragons live for forever and I would cherish and protect that friendship with every last breath and dream and hope I have.

Girl: So would I… So would I… But, I have learned that it doesn’t mean the same thing to him.

Dragon: How can it not? It is something that ties your souls and binds you together.

Girl: He feels that for many women, I am just one of many.

Dragon: Then it isn’t real…

Girl: To me it is. To him, it is just another part of the connection he has with many.

The two of them stop on the grass by the lakes edge and lie down upon the grass and look up at the sky and watch the patterns of the clouds as they twin into different mythical shapes. We both smile as the dragon flies by in the clouds.

Dragon: So where does that leave you if you no longer believe in the fantasy?

Girl: It leaves me to be there for him when he needs me, for even if he doesn’t put the same value on it, it doesn’t stop it from being something very special and rare and something you would fight for and kill for and sometimes just accept the person as they are, because you love them so very unconditionally.

Dragon: I am sorry…

Girl: Why are you sorry?

Dragon: Because what should be so very beautiful is instead painted with the harsh brush of reality.

Girl: Sometimes I want to live in Fantasy

Dragon: Why don’t you?

Girl: Because I don’t want to be hurt.

Dragon: Would you?

Girl: Making people out to be whatever you want them to be rather than accepting them for who they are is never a good idea, you are bound to be disappointed.

Dragon: Maybe they are actually that person and just waiting for someone to see them for it.

Girl: What world do you live in?

Dragon: I live in your head and I like this world.

The Girl starts to giggle and the Dragon wraps his tail around her wrist and they look up to the clouds and point out all of the different magical shapes they make.

Today I saw pictures of fire, buildings tumbled, cars destroyed. Pictures of blood splattered, men with guns, planes dropping bombs. I saw pictures of a city with parts of it flattened, children in the streets crying… Today, I saw war.

The sad part about this is it becomes an image that is all too common place in our world. The destruction on TV, the news pages as we look at our computer during the day. As I walked in the street, I heard the honking of horns and the continuous stream of anger, anger directed outwards, anger directed inwards.

Today I felt war, the war within people as they lose the fight over and over again to grow and be, to love and to accept. I wish I could say war was something new that people just made in this day and age, that it was just another part of the continuing destruction of the earth that we live in. But, I cannot. War has been around probably since the beginning of time. When man looked at other men and decided they were different they must die. That when man looked at the animals roaming the land and they feared so they killed. When man looked at the food on the other mans place and envied so the other man died so he could be fed.

I sit in my cocoon in this world. I have everything that I can possibly want. I have worked hard and long for it. I am sure many people envy it. Some would even possibly kill for it. I go through life looking forward, still dreaming, and still believing. Afraid that if I fall into the mindset of the world at war, that I will become just like them. Someone who is mindless and hates, who will kill for differences, who refuses to listen because I am hardened.

Today I cried as the despair of the world hit me and I realized that all my life I have hoped for peace and that the dream is but a dream for man cannot help but hate. But, still I hope and do not give into despair. For if but one person can go through life and take the time to smile, take a deep breath and apologize when anger explodes, and can learn to love even when someone hurts you maybe, just maybe there will be one less war.