Utsonomiya – Japan (The Black Swan)

No Comments »

Early morning, about 5am and I couldn’t sleep as jet lag was forcing my eyes open and my brain awake. As the sun rose over the city I started walking along the streets, following the paths, a small hotel map that showed a green area with a lake. The quietness and the foreignness of the environment wrapping around me and into my soul and I walked along the pristine clean sidewalks, bright colors, foreign characters, wondering where I was at and walking in the quiet and thinking.

I am sure I was thinking of something, my mind spinning a story, lost inside of whatever phase of life I chose to be in that moment of time. I am sure whatever story I was telling/living in my head was made to make me feel special, appreciated, understood. Yet, that story is no longer in my head, which I was in that moment in time is gone. All I vaguely remember is the walk.

I finally came to the lake, a path meandering around the lake that now had a blue sky over it and people walking along its paths, cherry trees blossoming all around the lake, delicate pink and white petals fluttering in the wind, swans swimming across the surface. As I wandered and watched the white swans gliding along in pairs, wishing I had the one, the love of my life with me holding my hand and sharing this moment with me, a blur caught my eye and as I watched two black swans swimming in unison floated in front of me. Pure magic and beauty before me, the moment captured in my memory, my breath caught in awe as the moment snapped to perfection and crystallized in absolute detail. This was ‘ life’ and the rest of ‘whatever’ was going on with people, emotions, thoughts was all nothing.

Time has passed, 10 maybe 14 years and I don’t even remember when the moment happened. Did I see a Shinto shrine while I was walking, climbing the hand carved stairs to the top to taste the water of life as it flowed up from the earth and flowed over the stones into the basin below. Was that the time my friends and I went for onomoyiaki (Japanese Pizza) and sat on the tatami mats and ordered our mix by clucking like chickens, mooing like cows and drinking saki, plum wine and laughing. Was that the time when I met one of my soul friends for the first time and we drove to the airport in the bus and stopped at the road side stand and had the worst chocolate ice cream ever? I don’t remember as none of those moments in time connect with that single one, that perfect snapshot in time. Sadly, one that had been eroded by time, lost in other memories and thoughts till this morning as I was brushing my teeth looking out over the pond here in Dallas and I saw the white swan swimming along, alone, in the water as the sunrise rose above the trees. Then the moment came back to me, the time when I saw the Black Swans and wishing they would fly as a pair and take me with them to their mountain home to swim in the lake with them and my one as the breeze blew…

Posted on July 1st 2009 in MsTiara's Thoughts, Travel, Writing

A Canticle for Liebowitz

No Comments »

In my life, there are many books which have shaped and changed me dramatically. Sometimes those books make small incremental changes in perception, a turn of phrase that you start to incorporate or a new way to look at people which hadn’t even crossed your mind before.

When I was a young child, I was extremely shy, battered around by everyone and being a victim to the cruel whims of everyone around me. I felt lost and out of control. I remember the day I read Illusions by Richard Bach, I was sitting on the breakwater at Dana Point Harbor overlooking the ocean. There was a quote that changed me, wove into who I was and became a mantra for my life. “I gave my life to become the person I am today, was it worth it?” From that moment forward, every morning I would wake up and if I didn’t like who I was, then I would figure out why I didn’t and I would change my life. From being someone who was ‘destined’ to fail to someone who goes through life living their dream and just ‘living’ life and enjoying it in all its glory.

A couple weeks ago, I picked up another book that I read which changed my perception of reality. The person who first read this book was around 20 years old and believed the ‘dogma’ of the world. I was in a class called Gods, Clocks and Religion which focused on world religion, physics and philosophy, the only class that I actually ever attended in college and felt that I learned something from, and remember thinking how little I knew in such a vast sea of knowledge. Logic Tables (thank you for helping me learn to program), the amazing depth of ways that people work to justify who they are and why they live, and physics and how it all ties together. I so did love that class. But most important of all, it gave me a book called A Canticle for Liebowitz.

Imagine for a moment, what the word would be like if the nuclear bomb hit, the loss of knowledge, the destruction of neurons, 90% of the population wiped out and the rest reduced to just trying to survive. The great cities reduced to rubble. Now slowly move through time a thousand years. Scavengers for the last thousand had cannibalized whatever rubble was left in the big cities and time had buried what was left. The need to communicate in a written form is just starting to come back to the masses and as people are picking through the rubble they come across artifacts, written documents, blue prints. The only thing that survived in the last thousand years was religion who had been trying to preserve knowledge, documents, but over time had lost meaning and had slowly filled in the blanks… Now time progresses another thousand years and new dogma, new beliefs, old legends and people try to piece together the past. As you piece together the past you come across blueprints of technology and you start to try to build it. But, people haven’t changed. They are still greedy and power hungry, suspicious and judgmental. Time has progressed, but the growth of the human soul is the same as it was before.

So three thousand years later, where would we be? Who would we be? What have we learned? In the book, we have learned nothing. More bombs were built and wars occurred and power hungry people destroyed. Till once again, we are lost in the arms of another nuclear war and they cycle continues from scratch.

So, how did this book change my perceptions? It made me stop and think about dogma, rituals, the books being absolute truth. Humans did the copying, they created their own formulas, they made mistakes and they filled in the blanks. There is no ‘absolute truth’. It made me stop and re-evaluate us as a society, we look back at the pyramids and the Greeks and we either venerate them or sneer at ‘what did they know’ since they were obviously lacking in ‘sophisticated knowledge’. Finally, it made me stop and look at the world that we create, our society, and question the ignorance and the judgments and the power hungry struggles and shake my head at what we as human beings do in the name of our ego and our gods.

I thought that when I re-read A Canticle for Liebowitz that I would find it ‘less’ than what I remembered, instead as I re-read it I find it more.

Posted on July 1st 2009 in MsTiara's Thoughts

I want to write like this

No Comments »

I want to write like this, the ability to sit down and capture a moment so perfectly and poignantly. A couple of strokes written on a piece of paper that changes your perspective, opens your mind, or even causes just the little bit of whimsy to bring a smile to your face.

From (of course) Jonathan Carroll’s Blog:

“You see them now and then in bookstores that have chairs. They often wear huge unkempt beards that appear to have been growing untended for years. Their clothes are often inappropriate for the season– for example they’re wearing winter getups on 80 degree days.That’s how I noticed him today– a big beard and a thick wool jacket. He was sitting in a puffy lounge chair off in a corner of the store. Several books were lying next to him and one was open in his lap. He also had a notepad out and was writing furiously in it. I guessed it was in response to whatever he was reading because he’d read a while, impatiently turning the pages. Then he’d write fast and hard in his notebook– like he had important or relevant ideas that had to be recorded right that second. Those singular loners in bookstores, prophet beards, a stack of chosen books nearby, their faces very serious, so intent on what they are doing. Whenever I see them I want to ask what it is they’re writing– their own stories, or arguments to whatever it is they’re reading? Madness or brilliance being scribbled page after page. For whom?”

Posted on June 18th 2009 in Jonathan Carroll, MsTiara's Thoughts, Quotes

Dreams and the subconscious

No Comments »

Dreams are rumoured to be a link into our subconscious, a way for us to work through the troubles and joys of our lives. In my childhood days I would dream vividly and brightly, I had quite an imagination and fantasy world as a child. As I got older I stopped remembering my dreams or even remembering if I dreamed at all.

About 6 months ago or maybe it was a year as time has a way of disappearing so quickly. So, about a year ago I downloaded a meditation/chant album and started to play it every night before I disappeared into the slumberlands. Normally I just listen to it for 20 minutes as the bells ring me into sleep and it has been very effective in allowing me to be more conscious of my dreams. However, for the last couple of nights, my phone has put it on repeat and I am waking up several hours later with it still playing, I then shut it down and go back to sleep.

But, my dreams. Such amazing and detailed dreams. I wish they were based in the world of fantasy with bright colors and vivid plot lines, but they seem to be focused around people of the past.

In one, there was a person that I considered a mentor from when I started working in the corporate/entertainment world. His name was Carl and he was someone I admired and respected. I would watch how he dealt with people and situations and I took the honesty, bluntness and compassion with me as I moved through life. In this dream, I was at his house for some unknown reason. I was a drop in and we hadn’t seen each other for over 15 years, but he graciously let me into his house and made me welcome. He had a cat that kept on weaving around his neck, a maine coon I believe, filled with fur and intelligence. For some reason, we ended out at his pool and we were talking about nothing much of all. All I remember was this acceptance of who I was and who I became. A friend of his stopped in, a professor who had been travelling and shared with me that he wrote books of his travels, my interest was caught and as I went to ask him for details, I woke up.

The next night, I dreamt about being out at a lake type of home with a group of people I couldn’t place in this life, but also who I felt acceptance from. After several days have passed since I had the dream and now, I don’t remember much of the dream other than Beaux and I sharing a moment at the end of it. We shared a smile over some moment and he patted me on the head, then he got an introspective look on his face as he looked at me and said “I missed that” and all of a sudden a connection of the soul that was severed was reconnected.

As we go through our lifetimes there are people that matter, those deep connections that are an integral part of who we are. We recognize them instantly as we go through life. We know them. Sometimes they are catalyst to us and sometimes we are a catalyst to them. And sometimes they are just there to be our friends and we enjoy each other and the world around us as we live.

Posted on May 4th 2009 in Dreams, MsTiara's Thoughts

Sunday morning couples

No Comments »

On Sunday mornings I like to have breakfast at a wonderful Greek café that has the smoothest coffee and makes its biscuits from scratch. The café’s clientele is in the 70 and above age range and is an interesting mix to watch, listen to and observe. Some come in as group, 4 or 5 people with a mix of male and females. They are the ones who in their younger days were always part of some social network and as they aged they traveled together as packs around the word always planning their next adventure.

Then you have the couples, husband and wives. Some, when you watch them, bring a welling of emotion to your throat. The love that has lasted 50 years and is still as strong and fresh as the day they met. A respect for each other, an attentiveness, a caring that seems to bind them whether they are chatting together or each reading a section of paper or waiting as one steps away to freshen up. I wish I could put my finger on what defines them, that moment. But, I can’t as it just is a love that binds them together.

There are many other type of couples, the ones who have only a couple years together, filling each others life with companionship, not wanting to be alone. But, the other one who stands out in my mind from this morning is the one who has been married for 50 or so years who are cold to each other. I don’t know if it is something lacking in each of them, but they talk or hold a conversation but there is no emotion between the two. Sentences are short, no heat, nothing. A long pause between the return sentences from the other. Talking to talk but no connection.

The thing about all of the couples is that none were ‘making the other laugh’, the requirement everyone seems to have in today’s society for their mate. Instead the one that seemed successful to me was the one where the other made them content.

Posted on April 20th 2009 in MsTiara's Thoughts, Relationships

The greatest compliment

No Comments »

The thing about…

Being a consultant, is that you can work on projects, give your heart and soul to it, own it, live it and breathe it for 2 years. You can do the impossible and the project can win awards for everyone involved, but, you don’t get any of the awards. You shrug, you hear the line about ‘well you get compensated by money’, but when you are the program manager and basically it is your baby… Sometimes you get a little nostalgic.

My last project won a very prestigious award for the company, all 65 people on the project got the plaques, the money compensation, and the accolades and party. I had to leave the company before the final release to the entire field and even if I was there, I would not have been ‘able’ to be invited to the party. I was the program manager and I wouldn’t have been able to go.

Since I have been back at the company I have been welcomed and it has been very nice. But, today, I had probably the kindest and most meaningful compliment I have ever received for my work. Someone I worked closely with on the project pulled down their award off their wall and handed it to me and told me that they wanted to give it to me since I deserved it after all the work I did and that it wouldn’t have happened without me.

I really do believe it is the greatest compliment I have ever received.

Posted on April 3rd 2009 in MsTiara's Thoughts

A Perfect Moment in Time

No Comments »

If you could replay one moment over and over again what would it be? What is your pinnacle moment?

Sitting in a café in New Orleans with the sun streaming in from the windows above with the sunlight touching the walls painted the colour of the sunset, filling the room with warmth.

The air smells rich from the baking cookies and the chair beneath me is slightly chilled. The table I am sitting at is wrought iron and could be found on a patio on a spring day.

The sandwiches were perfect, toasted bread, crisp lettuce, the ham’s flavor bursting in my mouth so perfectly. The ice tea I was drinking was cold upon my tongues and I could feel it going down my throat as I sipped it. Every sip was connecting me to the energy of the world.

I was more alive in that moment, sharing laughter and friendship with my friend Suse, realizing that life and living was what this moment was all about. That THIS was living, not the making or spending money, not the constantly striving, but this single moment in time.

It was a dream and a wish that I had since I was a child, to travel and meet my friends in places and moments in time. To be able to experience them and to be able to live rather than to survive or live in the past or trying to create the future.

What we talked about, what we shared, I do not remember. But, I do know, that at the end of my life and when it flashes before my eyes, that of all the snapshots I pull out to remember, this one would be one of my favorites.

I wonder, why people replay the ugly moments in time, the negative words and voices that negate us and bring us down. Why wouldn’t you want for the snapshots that define you to be filled with moments of living and life?

Posted on February 4th 2009 in MsTiara's Thoughts

A Canticle for Liebowitz

No Comments »

In my life, there are many books which have shaped and changed me dramatically. Sometimes those books make small incremental changes in perception, a turn of phrase that you start to incorporate or a new way to look at people which hadn’t even crossed your mind before.

When I was a young child, I was extremely shy, battered around by everyone and being a victim to the cruel whims of everyone around me. I felt lost and out of control. I remember the day I read Illusions by Richard Bach, I was sitting on the breakwater at Dana Point Harbor overlooking the ocean. There was a quote that changed me, wove into who I was and became a mantra for my life. “I gave my life to become the person I am today, was it worth it?” From that moment forward, every morning I would wake up and if I didn’t like who I was, then I would figure out why I didn’t and I would change my life. From being someone who was ‘destined’ to fail to someone who goes through life living their dream and just ‘living’ life and enjoying it in all its glory.

A couple weeks ago, I picked up another book that I read which changed my perception of reality. The person who first read this book was around 20 years old and believed the ‘dogma’ of the world. I was in a class called Gods, Clocks and Religion which focused on world religion, physics and philosophy, the only class that I actually ever attended in college and felt that I learned something from, and remember thinking how little I knew in such a vast sea of knowledge. Logic Tables (thank you for helping me learn to program), the amazing depth of ways that people work to justify who they are and why they live, and physics and how it all ties together. I so did love that class. But most important of all, it gave me a book called A Canticle for Liebowitz.

Imagine for a moment, what the word would be like if the nuclear bomb hit, the loss of knowledge, the destruction of neurons, 90% of the population wiped out and the rest reduced to just trying to survive. The great cities reduced to rubble. Now slowly move through time a thousand years. Scavengers for the last thousand had cannibalized whatever rubble was left in the big cities and time had buried what was left. The need to communicate in a written form is just starting to come back to the masses and as people are picking through the rubble they come across artifacts, written documents, blue prints. The only thing that survived in the last thousand years was religion who had been trying to preserve knowledge, documents, but over time had lost meaning and had slowly filled in the blanks… Now time progresses another thousand years and new dogma, new beliefs, old legends and people try to piece together the past. As you piece together the past you come across blueprints of technology and you start to try to build it. But, people haven’t changed. They are still greedy and power hungry, suspicious and judgmental. Time has progressed, but the growth of the human soul is the same as it was before.

So three thousand years later, where would we be? Who would we be? What have we learned? In the book, we have learned nothing. More bombs were built and wars occurred and power hungry people destroyed. Till once again, we are lost in the arms of another nuclear war and they cycle continues from scratch.

So, how did this book change my perceptions? It made me stop and think about dogma, rituals, the books being absolute truth. Humans did the copying, they created their own formulas, they made mistakes and they filled in the blanks. There is no ‘absolute truth’. It made me stop and re-evaluate us as a society, we look back at the pyramids and the Greeks and we either venerate them or sneer at ‘what did they know’ since they were obviously lacking in ‘sophisticated knowledge’. Finally, it made me stop and look at the world that we create, our society, and question the ignorance and the judgments and the power hungry struggles and shake my head at what we as human beings do in the name of our ego and our gods.

I thought that when I re-read A Canticle for Liebowitz that I would find it ‘less’ than what I remembered, instead as I re-read it I find it more.

Posted on December 9th 2008 in MsTiara's Thoughts

Cults and power and Jim Jones

No Comments »

I can remember seeing the movie that was made about Jim Jones and being horrified and saddened, it affected me as a young child about how charismatic people with power can so easily manipulate those around them. It was a tragedy and horrific and to me it was just a movie. Since then, so many other cults have been created and continued on with people believing in the craziness of their charismatic leaders and in the end calling for some mass suicide that leaves the believers dead.

I was speaking to someone the other day and we got sidetracked into a discussion on faith. I have always been amazed by people and faith. The need to believe what cannot be seen or touched, to have the rituals and the sense that there is something unbelievable that will save them. I guess I wonder why people can’t have faith in themselves to save them. But they said it was Faith in the Truth, I asked them how they knew it was true. They replied back to me that ‘just because you don’t know the truth, doesn’t stop the truth from being’. I agreed completely with them. That is a very well known statement, but then he mentioned the famous math argument. That no matter where you go in the universe 2+2=4 and that IS a universal truth and to him ‘god’ was a universal truth and so he has faith in that. I told him that someone can prove to me that 2+2=4, but no one has yet proved to me there is a ‘god’ or maybe I should say that there is a ‘god’ who has human characteristics and requests us to worship him a certain way. I have no problems with believing but make sure you have your arguments right.

Power is an interesting concept and Cults are another one. People always equate Cults with evil things. However, there are many things that are Cults in this world and most of it has to do with powerful people swaying others to their way of thinking and creating a mass thought. Hitler/Nazi’s, suicide religions, Catholicism, the Government (choose one, any one, anywhere in the world), sometimes even corporations can become cult like in their devotion and bringing of people to them to all ‘believe’.

So, I have rambled and have many thoughts still running through my head on the subject, trying to sort themselves out. What is and is not. What is the root of it all? One could say it is all about Power and the need to use it and draw people to us or maybe it is that need to always be right and have people believe in us and tell us we are right?

This whole blog started with me just thinking about the fact that I saw the movie and until I read the below article that I didn’t realize the numbers involved (900) and the people outside of the cult who were killed.

Thank you for following my thoughts.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,452787,00.html

30 Years Later, Survivors Remember Jonestown Massacre

Sunday, November 16, 2008

By Tim Reiterman

http://www.foxnews.com/images/service_ap_36.gif

Dark clouds tumbled overhead on that afternoon 30 years ago, in the last hours of the congressman’s mission deep in the jungle of Guyana.

With a small entourage, Rep. Leo Ryan had come to investigate the remote agricultural settlement built by a California-based church. But while he was there, more than a dozen people had stepped forward: We want to return to the United States, they said fearfully.

Suddenly a powerful wind tore through the central pavilion, riffling pages of my notebook, and the skies dumped torrents that bowed plantain fronds. People scrambled for cover as I interviewed the founder of Peoples Temple.

“I feel sorry that we are being destroyed from within,” intoned the Rev. Jim Jones, stunned that members of his flock wanted to abandon the place he called the Promised Land.

That freakish storm and the mood seemed ominous — and not just to me. “I felt evil itself blow into Jonestown when that storm hit,” recalls Tim Carter, one of the few settlers to survive that day.

Within hours, Carter would see his wife and son die of cyanide poisoning, two of the more than 900 people Jones led in a murder and suicide ritual of epic proportions.

And I would be wounded when a team of temple assassins unleashed a fusillade that killed Ryan — the first congressman slain in the line of dutytreat to Jonestown for what would be his last stand.

Yulanda Williams was about 12 when she began attending temple services in San Francisco with her parents. Her father, lured by Jones’ reputation as a Christian prophet with healing powers, believed that the minister helped him recover from a heart attack.

In 1977, as news media were beginning to investigate disciplinary thrashings and other abuse in the temple, Jones summoned Williams and her husband to Guyana.

Upon arrival in Jonestown, the couple felt deceived. It was far from the paradise Jones described. People were packed into metal-roofed cabins, sleeping on bunks without mattresses and using outhouses with newsprint for toilet paper. There were armed guards, and Jones warned that deserters would encounter venomous snakes and hostile natives.

The preacher, who once charmed U.S. politicians and met with future first lady Rosalynn Carter, had turned into a pill-popping dictator who sadistically presided over harsh discipline. “I felt like I was in a concentration camp and he was Hitler,” Williams said.

Because her husband was an attorney whose skills could be better used elsewhere, they were permitted to leave after a few weeks. And months before the horrific end, Williams and her family cut ties with the temple.

Eventually, Williams joined the San Francisco Police Department. But she told no one about her temple involvement for a decade because she feared the loss of her job. When she finally confided to a deputy chief, “He said, ‘No way,’ because everybody had this stereotype” about the kinds of people who were members of Peoples Temple, she recalled.

In fact, these were mostly ordinary people who joined the temple because they wanted to help their fellow man and be part of something larger than themselves.

Williams thrived as a policewoman. The department needed officers to connect with gang members and other juveniles in trouble with the law. “I told my story to young people,” said Williams. “They were amazed because they never imagined anyone could beat these types of odds.”

———

On the morning of Nov. 18, Ryan’s party was about to tour the settlement, and investigate whether its inhabitants truly were free to go.

Leslie Wilson, wife of security chief Joe Wilson, took her 3-year-old son Jakari to the kitchen building where they met seven others who had endured enough of Jonestown’s Spartan life and Jones’ faked sieges and suicide rehearsals. The group told fellow settlers they were going on a picnic — but they just kept on moving through the jungle, with Jakari slung in a sheet on Wilson’s back.

“I was so scared I was shaking in my tennis shoes,” she recalled. “I was waiting for a gunshot and a bullet and me dropping.”

Concealed by thick undergrowth, the escapees passed so close to the Jonestown guard shack that they could hear voices. Trudging 35 miles along railroad tracks, they arrived sweaty and dirty that night in the town of Matthews Ridge.

Wilson, who lost her mother, brother, sister and husband that Saturday, would be consumed with survivor’s guilt.

On Mother’s Day, two years after Jonestown, she thought about what it must have been like for her mother to see two of her children die. She put a pistol to her head.

She did not shoot. She had to live, she decided, for the sake of her son.

After a bout with drug abuse, she twice married and bore two more children.

Now divorced, she goes by her married name Leslie Cathey and works in the health care industry. She finally has found forgiveness, even for Jones, but she cannot forget. “I pray my family did not think I left them,” she said. “Not a day goes by that I don’t think about it.”

———

While a temple dump truck ferried the Ryan party and 15 grim-faced defectors toward the Port Kaituma airstrip six miles away, we were unaware that anyone had escaped. But at Jonestown’s front gate, Joe Wilson inspected the crowded truck bed, looking for his wife and toddler.

We made it safely to the dirt strip. But then, a tractor with a trailer full of temple gunmen — Wilson among them — soon bore down on us. Gunfire exploded as we boarded two small planes.

Ryan died. So did defector Patricia Parks, NBC newsmen Don Harris and Bob Brown, and photographer Greg Robinson, my colleague at the San Francisco Examiner.

I was shot in the left forearm and wrist. That night those of us who were ambulatory took turns tending to the most severely wounded in a tent by the airstrip: The NBC soundman. A temple defector who someday would become a policeman. A concerned relative whose sister was a Jones mistress. And Ryan aide Jackie Speier, who would go on to a long career as a California lawmaker before being elected to his seat in Congress this year.

Some survivors had fled into the jungle but most took refuge in a cramped rum shop, fearful the assassins would return. “You’re gonna see the worst carnage of your life at Jonestown,” predicted one of the defectors the next morning. “It’s called ‘revolutionary suicide.”‘

———

By the time the airstrip gunmen he went to live with his father in Boise, Idaho. Walking on the street, he felt that others looked at him with loathing and fear. Friends from his youth on the San Francisco Peninsula, where he had introduced some people to the temple, called him a murderer or refused to speak with him.

Though he listed Peoples Temple on his resume, Carter landed a job at a travel agency and worked in the industry for many years. He has had two long-term relationships and is the father of three children. He collects disability payments for post-traumatic stress from Vietnam, but he reflects on the nightmare of Jonestown each day.

“The more time that goes on, the better it is,” he said. “I can think about Gloria and Malcolm without feeling that knife in my chest.”

———

Late on the afternoon of Nov. 18, a coded radio message from Jones was transmitted to the temple’s house in Georgetown: Some Jonestown residents had betrayed them, and he wanted the faithful to kill temple enemies. Then members in the Guyanese capital and San Francisco — a couple of hundred people — should commit suicide.

Bay Area businessman Sherwin Harris had sat down for supper at the house with his teenage daughter Liane and his ex-wife Sharon Amos’ two other children.

Oblivious to Jones’ dire orders, Harris felt hopeful and upbeat. He had traveled to Guyana with the Ryan party to check on his daughter’s welfare and, after several days of trying, was finally able to see her in person.

Harris and his daughter discussed plans to spend the next day together, touring Georgetown.

Later, Harris took a cab back to his hotel, his spirits lifted by the visit. But that night police informed him that his daughter, Amos and her two other children were dead.

“It felt like the swing of a sledge hammer full on to my chest,” he said. “How could this be? I just left her.”

eying the humanity of temple members she feels were dehumanized by photos of their bodies and dismissed as robotic cultists.

Moore thinks her sisters, socially conscious daughters of a minister, were true temple believers to the end. Still, she cannot fathom how they could have joined in planning murders and suicides.

“Jones did not buy the poison and mix it,” she said. “Others tested it on pigs. Others, including my sisters, wrote letters about how to kill people. … What is baffling is why people would participate in something so inhumane.”

———

Thirty years later, dozens of surviving members come together for private reunions because they still value their friendship, the temple’s sense of community and their utopian dream of a world free of racism and injustice.

“I go because I feel so strongly about the need for and power of forgiveness and understanding,” said Stephan Jones, the minister’s son. He was 19, and in Georgetown with other basketball team members on the temple’s last day. “I’ve come to believe a group of people can see the same thing and each come away with a completely different perspective and all be right in the moment,” he said. “We had ideas of a greater mission, and now we have found a way to be together that is harmonious and healing and are better able to make a difference in the world.”

Today, he is the father of three daughters and is the vice president of a small Bay Area office installation and services company.

In Jonestown’s aftermath, Stephan hated his father. But he has come to recognize that the capacity for good and evil, and mental sickness, coexisted in Jones.

“We don’t want to face our own responsibility or part in what happened and feel ashamed for being duped or manipulated,” he said. “We look for someone else to blame. I realized over time that there was a great need to forgive him, then I could forgive myself.”

The unidentifiable or unclaimed bodies of more than 400 of Jonestown’s dead, most of them children, are interred in a mass grave at an Oakland Cemetery overlooking San Francisco Bay. Each year a memorial service is conducted on Nov. 18.

Eugene Smith, who lost his wife, their infant son and his mother, went to the grave site years ago but has not returned. Fate had put him in Georgetown the day they perished, but he likes to think he would have resisted the madness in Jonestown, as he believes his wife did.

Now working as a research analyst for California’s transportation department, Smith has neither remarried nor fathered more children.

“None of us are survivors; we just got away,” he said. “For all of us who were not in Jonestown, part of us died there.”

EDITOR’S NOTE — Tim Reiterman, San Francisco news editor for The Associated Press, covered Jonestown for the San Francisco Examiner. He is the author with the late John Jacobs of “Raven: The Untold Story of the Rev. Jim Jones and His People,” published by Tarcher/Penguin.

Posted on November 17th 2008 in MsTiara's Thoughts

Not Yet

No Comments »

02-12-06

“Not Yet,” she said. Her voice was measured and calm, calmer than she’d ever thought she’d feel when this time arrived. “Give me a little longer. Just long enough to know who I am.”

But Death had not come to bargain that night and took her away.

The Words That Remain – Charles de Lint

Sometimes you have to visit the past to heal and to face the future. But, don’t spend too long in the past. For when you do, you forget to live in the present and everything that occurred between then and today becomes no more. – TDS

The time was so long ago, over 20 years ago now but I can remember the feelings and emotions as if they were yesterday. They bubble up inside me, they take my breath away the leave me empty, dark and lonely. Even today I wonder how a child of the light can so easily become one with the darkness. Is it really two sides of one coin? Does everyone have the ability to find overwhelming darkness the same way one can also find overwhelming light? And if we have the choice between the two, why do some people decide to live in the dark?

The story isn’t about what occurred to lead me up to the point or what followed that brought me here today. The story is about a moment in time, a breath that was taken, something that was so intense that it forever becomes one of the snapshots that you will have to present along with the others that will be used to define your life before you are allowed to leave this world and move onto your next.

The day… I think you are supposed to describe the day when you tell the story. Was it summer, spring, winter or fall? Was the sun shining so bright that you were blinded or was the rain falling and the world was covered in grey? But, I guess that is the thing about the darkness. You can’t see or feel, you have no senses all you are is dark. There was no past or present there is no markers in your life that you can use to point to for you are too blinded to see. That is the moment which I remember. That moment, that wasn’t really a moment I guess since there were no markers of time around it to help you distinguish it.

It was the moment of my death. My time to die I guess. Some would say it was by my choice others would say it was by the world around me’s choice. Maybe it was just marked on the string of life as the moment which I became no more. But, there I was making the choice, taking control. Darkness so black, breath so labored, and dreams no more. During one breath and no more there was light so golden I felt as if I was giddy, drunk on how it made me feel as it poured through every essence of my being. I could see so clearly everything around me. I was no longer in my room but instead in a world of white but touched by the gold of life. For that unbelievable gold light from that moment on could be the only thing I could call life.

I stood before a man, a man that wore a face which so many would recognize. But, I knew that even though the image was a man and the image was universal that it meant nothing except for something that I could relate too using imagery that made sense to me in this lifetime. A hand was held out too me. A single hand…

An offer was made, so very simple, so very pure. Take the hand and I would be one with the energy and the light or I could stay in the world I had left behind and learn the lessons I came to learn to live life. Such a simple offer and yet such a very hard choice for to take the hand was the easy route for death is such an easier path than deciding to live. But, what would life have to offer me?

I made a deal, a wonderful deal and I chose to live… So many years later so many experiences and snapshots in my life’s book and yet still I wonder about the deal I made. Did I fulfill my part of it and when will the marker be called in again?

I feel like I have fulfilled a lot of my destiny but in fulfilling it did I forget about the experience of life itself? Is this world a place to learn or is it a place to experience or maybe it really is about playing the markers of debts owed and accumulated.

So many elements in my life in the last year come down to the synchronicity of the universe moving around me and pointing me in different directions. I am becoming more but yet I still feel lost for even though I know the feel and taste of the light it only left me wanting more of it rather than being satisfied that at least I experienced it in a moment of time.

I have always equated falling in love with what that light felt like. That joy and completion that final mending of a soul tore into two, but lately I have started to wonder what love really feels like and how many people know how to experience it. I hear the words thrown around and bounced back and forth. But, I don’t know anyone that can give selflessly of themselves to another being. Maybe if everyone in the world could just glimpse that golden light and bathe themselves in it for just a second then they could learn and become so much more than just people living here trying to get by day by day, year by year…

Death came by and called about 25 years ago now and yet still I look around and ask for more time to experience life, love and the time to learn who I am a bit better.

Posted on November 10th 2008 in MsTiara's Thoughts
Copyright © 2012 MsTiara’s Thoughts. | Designed by: ThemeBin | Sponsors: Web Hosting, Sms-lån, Whiskey
Powered by Wordpress