MsTiara’s Thoughts

Early morning, about 5am and I couldn’t sleep as jet lag was forcing my eyes open and my brain awake. As the sun rose over the city I started walking along the streets, following the paths, a small hotel map that showed a green area with a lake. The quietness and the foreignness of the environment wrapping around me and into my soul and I walked along the pristine clean sidewalks, bright colors, foreign characters, wondering where I was at and walking in the quiet and thinking.

I am sure I was thinking of something, my mind spinning a story, lost inside of whatever phase of life I chose to be in that moment of time. I am sure whatever story I was telling/living in my head was made to make me feel special, appreciated, understood. Yet, that story is no longer in my head, which I was in that moment in time is gone. All I vaguely remember is the walk.

I finally came to the lake, a path meandering around the lake that now had a blue sky over it and people walking along its paths, cherry trees blossoming all around the lake, delicate pink and white petals fluttering in the wind, swans swimming across the surface. As I wandered and watched the white swans gliding along in pairs, wishing I had the one, the love of my life with me holding my hand and sharing this moment with me, a blur caught my eye and as I watched two black swans swimming in unison floated in front of me. Pure magic and beauty before me, the moment captured in my memory, my breath caught in awe as the moment snapped to perfection and crystallized in absolute detail. This was ‘ life’ and the rest of ‘whatever’ was going on with people, emotions, thoughts was all nothing.

Time has passed, 10 maybe 14 years and I don’t even remember when the moment happened. Did I see a Shinto shrine while I was walking, climbing the hand carved stairs to the top to taste the water of life as it flowed up from the earth and flowed over the stones into the basin below. Was that the time my friends and I went for onomoyiaki (Japanese Pizza) and sat on the tatami mats and ordered our mix by clucking like chickens, mooing like cows and drinking saki, plum wine and laughing. Was that the time when I met one of my soul friends for the first time and we drove to the airport in the bus and stopped at the road side stand and had the worst chocolate ice cream ever? I don’t remember as none of those moments in time connect with that single one, that perfect snapshot in time. Sadly, one that had been eroded by time, lost in other memories and thoughts till this morning as I was brushing my teeth looking out over the pond here in Dallas and I saw the white swan swimming along, alone, in the water as the sunrise rose above the trees. Then the moment came back to me, the time when I saw the Black Swans and wishing they would fly as a pair and take me with them to their mountain home to swim in the lake with them and my one as the breeze blew…

Swimming among the coral reefs, fur flying and surrounded by her little air bubble, all the fishes came up to chatter and tell all the latest gossip of the sea, as they chattered and giggled Kitten shared some of her adventures above the water. All the fishes wanted to pet her silver fur and tell her how pretty she was, one silver fish stayed behind the others, shy and afraid to come under the notice of the fish who was able to walk on the land and fly in the air.

Kitten noticed the little fish and called her over. Her name was Strippy and upon her shoulder was a blue starfish, no bigger than Stars toe, but the perfect size of the mark on her forehead. Kitten swam over to the starfish and reached up to pet her. As Kitten shyly smiled at Strippy and her friend the starfish, she knew she had met another soul friend. She and Strippy both started talking together and then laughed as Strippy turned and called to Kitten to follow her and she would show her all the wonders of her world.

And another trip to Down Under…

I am about ready to head off to the wonderful world of Oz, yep that beautiful place where you can go and swim with the fishies in one of the 10 natural wonders of the world. I will be on a nice little yacht for a ‘boutique’ cruise sailing around the islands and swimming/diving among the reefs for the first 4 days of my trip before heading off to watch the cars go zooming around the track in Oz’ answer to South Beach (or the other way around, not quite sure which came first, the Duck or the Egg. Talking about Ducks… (we were, weren’t we?) I MUST finally due a Duck tour. )

Of course, I can’t help but live in the digital world (what’s the use of buying all the toys is you actually don’t use them?) so I of course will be wired for those that know how to get in touch with me.

So wishing all of you a ‘Good Day Mate’ and the ever present ‘No Worries’.

Brian Mays (of Queen fame) is working on his Astrophysics PHD. For some reason, this justifies my LOVE of Queen Music and my statements of the brilliance of its architecture. If you wonder what I mean, take any queen song and listen to it on some really good headphones (Bohemian Rhapsody of COURSE, but I am talking about any Queen song. Love the Highlander album.

2 Quotes from a wonderful Birthday gift from a dear friend. (thank you for sharing with me such an important part of your childhood, I can’t think of a more meaningful and special gift).

“Why Worry? I am an old man, and have had many troubles, but most of ‘em never happened.” Old Salt – Cape Cod Massachusetts

“At the very thought of ‘Circus’ a swarm of long imprisoned desires breaks jail. Armed with beauty and demanding justice and everywhere threatening us with curiosity and spring and childhood, this mob of forgotten wishes begins to storm the supposedly impregnable fortifications of the present.” e.e. Cummings

As a child I had never been to a true circus and as an adult, I have only been to a Cirque du Soleil, but I so get caught up in the wonder and magic, the glitz and the glamour of a circus.

A Dragon and a Duck walk into a bar…

So, I am in Europe right now and it is very strange how as you go through life you fall into situations and they affect you and you just move forward and process those situations without realizing how much damage was done until several years later. Then you are forced to deal with the aftermath of the junk that happened so very long ago. Hopefully, I am a smart enough person that I deal with them as soon as I realize how they are affecting me rather than after they have destroyed me.

At the beginning of this year, I had to deal with the realization that a friendship had died and it was time for me to decide whether or not I was going to keep it around or clean it out of my life. Rather than holding onto it and letting it affect me and the rest of my life any longer, I dealt with it with compassion and moved forward. But, I didn’t realize that the moment of the actual ‘death’ was still affecting me and affecting how I dealt with so many things. I think in every situation where there is a death, it changes you, sometimes good and sometimes bad. In this death it emphasized something that I have inside me all the time and that is my personal since of introversion.

The death of the friendship was a moment, in a restaurant. It was an Italian restaurant in Milwaukee. The restaurant sits on one of the canals/river and was enclosed in glass. I was facing towards the outside, the other two people were facing towards me. I was eating veal scaloppini. I sat there with two other people, a boy and a girl. One was the friend and was my roommate on the road for almost 10 years. The other person was a boy, who I thought was also a friend. But, as you learn in life, friendship means different things to different people. I sat in the restaurant with these two other people that I know so very well. But, I sat alone. They talked, they laughed, it was if I was just a bag thrown on the chair. I had never felt so alone in my life. It took several more years before the death finally occurred and a full year after the final realization of the death until the healing was able to occur.

I guess that is where I am now, in the healing portion of the death. I just wish it didn’t have to happen while I am in Europe and should be laughing and enjoying myself. Instead, I just want to sit in café’s in the middle of market squares by myself and eat delicious food and write out my thoughts and feelings.

See, I guess the lesson I learned is that I would rather be by myself and alone than surrounded by a group of people and alone. I cannot think of a more soul destroying thing than sitting surrounded by people and being all alone.

We Will Rock You

Last night I went out to see We Will Rock You, a musical using the music of Queen. First, may I say I ADORE Queen. They are my number 1 band of all time. Now, the fact I adore Queen gives you the perspective that I would enjoy the show no matter what and I did. The singers could belt and the music as always was brilliant. Now the story/plot line are a complete different story. Sigh, the connectors were filled with bad puns and very poorly written musical references. In it pure absolute badness, it was hilarious!

Favorite line of the evening, “it’s a simple phrase, two words last one is Off!”

I am still humming, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it NOW!

Sitting in the airport in Dallas waiting for my breakfast. I realized that i have a metal fork, i mean a real metal fork! since Sept 11th i have gotten so used to plastic utensils that it is now a shock and a surprise when I get a metal one.

This got me to thinking, never a good thing mind you, from an anthropological perspective… Here we sit at the beginning of the 21st century overburdening our planet with a population that we have made live longer and yet we have become such a disposable nation/world. Our use of paper is killing our trees, electronics our metals and now millions of people a day throwing away plastic. in an ironic thought (which i swear is where all of this started and then I realized that I may need a back explanation which probably was totally unnecessary but there you have it)…

I wonder if a couple hundred years from now as the planet is killing off the current civilization if it will all go back to the day we started using plastic in every restaurant in every airport in the world.

Jamie Leonhart

So, I am visiting my friend in “The City” and she has a habit of taking me to some interesting places which creates some very interesting experiences… Most notably Paranormal Parasols (PP) which is an experience that will be burned in my psyche from now until, well the time after time…

But, this evening she made up for a portion of the PP pain… She took me to see Jamie Leonhart who not only has a beautiful voice and a wonderful sound that is at once a gorgeous smoky jazz but then takes you through a wonderful laugh and a joy that comes from some very creative arrangements.

But, I fell in love with a song that will be released on her next CD called “The Spider and the Fly.” How can you not love a song about a broken friendship that starts out: “You are drowning in a sea of mediocrity” and then takes you away from there.

So here I am in Mexico City and if you want to talk about what a strange world I live in, this is the blog that kind of explains it all.

First, there were 3 bombings in Mexico City in the last week. Note, none of these bombings made the world news so I had NO clue what I was walking into. I arrive at the hotel Thursday night and there is a metal detector to get into the hotel. But, they pick up my luggage and computer case and just take it to the other side. I feel ever so much more secure, especially with all of the guys surrounding the hotel with shotguns and other paraphernalia of extinction.

Then the real job got involved… Sigh, why is it that everyone wants something when I am at a race? Phone calls, presentations and dealing with people over the phone for a complex project is just not what I would call fun. The “sorry, I have a session starting and it comes first.” Also has a bit of an issue on the other side of the phone.

Now, racing was okay and somewhat normal if you consider working in Race Control normal.

Then, the day got weird, I get an email from one of my best friend’s ex. They want for us to get to know each other and become friends. Huh? What? Why? Why do we need to understand each other? I am completely lost. But, instead of fulfilling my curiosity I acted with compassion and explained that I am friends with the person and that is where my loyalty lies. This one is strange because you wonder why they want to know you, what was said about you and why in the world would you want to know them. Whatever.

Then it got even stranger on the ride home from the track to the hotel. Wow, now that was a bit bizarre. I have seen the chop shop section of town, gone by the US embassy and Mexico Government building surrounded by riot police shoulder to shoulder, then a large (very large demonstration) against the government where our van with us US contingency drove right through, men with machine guns on one side and people chanting on the other side.

But, I managed to survive the day and here I am back at the track ready to see what this one brings.

A friend brought back a pleasant memory the other day that I had misplaced. When asked to describe me, she brought up a moment in time when I was getting ready to travel to Australia and we met for coffee before my flight (time is precious, when you have a moment to catch with friends even if it is only 15 minutes, take it).

I needed to get something out of my carry on bag. Of course, it was on the bottom. As we sat there, I proceeded to unpack my bag. The following items were pulled out in no particular order: A firesuit (I was working with TV in the pits in Australia), a beaded evening gown (I had a banquet in LA when I got back into town), my computer (I never travel anywhere without my baby), a bag of makeup (never check make-up you may never see it again in this lifetime, a stuffed frog (I was helping a friends child for a school project), my journal (I love to write), a book on quantum physics (fascinating subject), romance novel (my guilty pleasure), and a couple of other miscellaneous items.

So, if someone ever asks to describe yourself, what would they say you pulled out of your bag?