MsTiara’s Thoughts

“You know, I’ve either had a family, a job, something
has always been in the
way
but now
I’ve sold my house, I’ve found this
place, a large studio, you should see the space and
the light.
For the first time in my life I’m going to have a place and the time to
create.”

No baby, if you’re going to create
you’re going to create whether you work
16 hours a day in a coal mine
or
you’re going to create in a small room with 3 children
while you’re on
welfare,
you’re going to create with part of your mind and your
body blown
away,
you’re going to create blind
crippled
demented,
you’re going to create with a cat crawling up your
back while
the whole city trembles in earthquake, bombardment,
flood and fire.

Baby, air and light and time and space
have nothing to do with it
and don’t create anything
except maybe a longer life to find
new excuses
for.”

Early morning, about 5am and I couldn’t sleep as jet lag was forcing my eyes open and my brain awake. As the sun rose over the city I started walking along the streets, following the paths, a small hotel map that showed a green area with a lake. The quietness and the foreignness of the environment wrapping around me and into my soul and I walked along the pristine clean sidewalks, bright colors, foreign characters, wondering where I was at and walking in the quiet and thinking.

I am sure I was thinking of something, my mind spinning a story, lost inside of whatever phase of life I chose to be in that moment of time. I am sure whatever story I was telling/living in my head was made to make me feel special, appreciated, understood. Yet, that story is no longer in my head, which I was in that moment in time is gone. All I vaguely remember is the walk.

I finally came to the lake, a path meandering around the lake that now had a blue sky over it and people walking along its paths, cherry trees blossoming all around the lake, delicate pink and white petals fluttering in the wind, swans swimming across the surface. As I wandered and watched the white swans gliding along in pairs, wishing I had the one, the love of my life with me holding my hand and sharing this moment with me, a blur caught my eye and as I watched two black swans swimming in unison floated in front of me. Pure magic and beauty before me, the moment captured in my memory, my breath caught in awe as the moment snapped to perfection and crystallized in absolute detail. This was ‘ life’ and the rest of ‘whatever’ was going on with people, emotions, thoughts was all nothing.

Time has passed, 10 maybe 14 years and I don’t even remember when the moment happened. Did I see a Shinto shrine while I was walking, climbing the hand carved stairs to the top to taste the water of life as it flowed up from the earth and flowed over the stones into the basin below. Was that the time my friends and I went for onomoyiaki (Japanese Pizza) and sat on the tatami mats and ordered our mix by clucking like chickens, mooing like cows and drinking saki, plum wine and laughing. Was that the time when I met one of my soul friends for the first time and we drove to the airport in the bus and stopped at the road side stand and had the worst chocolate ice cream ever? I don’t remember as none of those moments in time connect with that single one, that perfect snapshot in time. Sadly, one that had been eroded by time, lost in other memories and thoughts till this morning as I was brushing my teeth looking out over the pond here in Dallas and I saw the white swan swimming along, alone, in the water as the sunrise rose above the trees. Then the moment came back to me, the time when I saw the Black Swans and wishing they would fly as a pair and take me with them to their mountain home to swim in the lake with them and my one as the breeze blew…

In my life, there are many books which have shaped and changed me dramatically. Sometimes those books make small incremental changes in perception, a turn of phrase that you start to incorporate or a new way to look at people which hadn’t even crossed your mind before.

When I was a young child, I was extremely shy, battered around by everyone and being a victim to the cruel whims of everyone around me. I felt lost and out of control. I remember the day I read Illusions by Richard Bach, I was sitting on the breakwater at Dana Point Harbor overlooking the ocean. There was a quote that changed me, wove into who I was and became a mantra for my life. “I gave my life to become the person I am today, was it worth it?” From that moment forward, every morning I would wake up and if I didn’t like who I was, then I would figure out why I didn’t and I would change my life. From being someone who was ‘destined’ to fail to someone who goes through life living their dream and just ‘living’ life and enjoying it in all its glory.

A couple weeks ago, I picked up another book that I read which changed my perception of reality. The person who first read this book was around 20 years old and believed the ‘dogma’ of the world. I was in a class called Gods, Clocks and Religion which focused on world religion, physics and philosophy, the only class that I actually ever attended in college and felt that I learned something from, and remember thinking how little I knew in such a vast sea of knowledge. Logic Tables (thank you for helping me learn to program), the amazing depth of ways that people work to justify who they are and why they live, and physics and how it all ties together. I so did love that class. But most important of all, it gave me a book called A Canticle for Liebowitz.

Imagine for a moment, what the word would be like if the nuclear bomb hit, the loss of knowledge, the destruction of neurons, 90% of the population wiped out and the rest reduced to just trying to survive. The great cities reduced to rubble. Now slowly move through time a thousand years. Scavengers for the last thousand had cannibalized whatever rubble was left in the big cities and time had buried what was left. The need to communicate in a written form is just starting to come back to the masses and as people are picking through the rubble they come across artifacts, written documents, blue prints. The only thing that survived in the last thousand years was religion who had been trying to preserve knowledge, documents, but over time had lost meaning and had slowly filled in the blanks… Now time progresses another thousand years and new dogma, new beliefs, old legends and people try to piece together the past. As you piece together the past you come across blueprints of technology and you start to try to build it. But, people haven’t changed. They are still greedy and power hungry, suspicious and judgmental. Time has progressed, but the growth of the human soul is the same as it was before.

So three thousand years later, where would we be? Who would we be? What have we learned? In the book, we have learned nothing. More bombs were built and wars occurred and power hungry people destroyed. Till once again, we are lost in the arms of another nuclear war and they cycle continues from scratch.

So, how did this book change my perceptions? It made me stop and think about dogma, rituals, the books being absolute truth. Humans did the copying, they created their own formulas, they made mistakes and they filled in the blanks. There is no ‘absolute truth’. It made me stop and re-evaluate us as a society, we look back at the pyramids and the Greeks and we either venerate them or sneer at ‘what did they know’ since they were obviously lacking in ‘sophisticated knowledge’. Finally, it made me stop and look at the world that we create, our society, and question the ignorance and the judgments and the power hungry struggles and shake my head at what we as human beings do in the name of our ego and our gods.

I thought that when I re-read A Canticle for Liebowitz that I would find it ‘less’ than what I remembered, instead as I re-read it I find it more.

I want to write like this, the ability to sit down and capture a moment so perfectly and poignantly. A couple of strokes written on a piece of paper that changes your perspective, opens your mind, or even causes just the little bit of whimsy to bring a smile to your face.

From (of course) Jonathan Carroll’s Blog:

“You see them now and then in bookstores that have chairs. They often wear huge unkempt beards that appear to have been growing untended for years. Their clothes are often inappropriate for the season– for example they’re wearing winter getups on 80 degree days.That’s how I noticed him today– a big beard and a thick wool jacket. He was sitting in a puffy lounge chair off in a corner of the store. Several books were lying next to him and one was open in his lap. He also had a notepad out and was writing furiously in it. I guessed it was in response to whatever he was reading because he’d read a while, impatiently turning the pages. Then he’d write fast and hard in his notebook– like he had important or relevant ideas that had to be recorded right that second. Those singular loners in bookstores, prophet beards, a stack of chosen books nearby, their faces very serious, so intent on what they are doing. Whenever I see them I want to ask what it is they’re writing– their own stories, or arguments to whatever it is they’re reading? Madness or brilliance being scribbled page after page. For whom?”

“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written.  My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more.”

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37.. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day.. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s,we’d grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”

There is a beautiful creature living
in a hole you have
dug.

so at night I set fruit and grains and little pots of wine and milk
beside your soft earthen
mounds.

and I often sing to you,
but still, my dear, you do not come out.

I have fallen in love with someone
who is hiding inside
of you.

We should talk about this problem,
otherwise I will never
leave you
alone!

Dear Glad,

I know this is a silly thing to actually have to write down since it would seem to me to be a ‘bit’ self evident.  But, when I read Odor Shield, it makes me think of something that neutralizes odor, it does not read to me that you will create a scent that is so disgusting, prevalent and obnoxious that you would PREFER to have the smell of trash in comparison to the smell of your trash bags.

What an amazing waste of money.

Dreams are rumoured to be a link into our subconscious, a way for us to work through the troubles and joys of our lives. In my childhood days I would dream vividly and brightly, I had quite an imagination and fantasy world as a child. As I got older I stopped remembering my dreams or even remembering if I dreamed at all.

About 6 months ago or maybe it was a year as time has a way of disappearing so quickly. So, about a year ago I downloaded a meditation/chant album and started to play it every night before I disappeared into the slumberlands. Normally I just listen to it for 20 minutes as the bells ring me into sleep and it has been very effective in allowing me to be more conscious of my dreams. However, for the last couple of nights, my phone has put it on repeat and I am waking up several hours later with it still playing, I then shut it down and go back to sleep.

But, my dreams. Such amazing and detailed dreams. I wish they were based in the world of fantasy with bright colors and vivid plot lines, but they seem to be focused around people of the past.

In one, there was a person that I considered a mentor from when I started working in the corporate/entertainment world. His name was Carl and he was someone I admired and respected. I would watch how he dealt with people and situations and I took the honesty, bluntness and compassion with me as I moved through life. In this dream, I was at his house for some unknown reason. I was a drop in and we hadn’t seen each other for over 15 years, but he graciously let me into his house and made me welcome. He had a cat that kept on weaving around his neck, a maine coon I believe, filled with fur and intelligence. For some reason, we ended out at his pool and we were talking about nothing much of all. All I remember was this acceptance of who I was and who I became. A friend of his stopped in, a professor who had been travelling and shared with me that he wrote books of his travels, my interest was caught and as I went to ask him for details, I woke up.

The next night, I dreamt about being out at a lake type of home with a group of people I couldn’t place in this life, but also who I felt acceptance from. After several days have passed since I had the dream and now, I don’t remember much of the dream other than Beaux and I sharing a moment at the end of it. We shared a smile over some moment and he patted me on the head, then he got an introspective look on his face as he looked at me and said “I missed that” and all of a sudden a connection of the soul that was severed was reconnected.

As we go through our lifetimes there are people that matter, those deep connections that are an integral part of who we are. We recognize them instantly as we go through life. We know them. Sometimes they are catalyst to us and sometimes we are a catalyst to them. And sometimes they are just there to be our friends and we enjoy each other and the world around us as we live.

On Sunday mornings I like to have breakfast at a wonderful Greek café that has the smoothest coffee and makes its biscuits from scratch. The café’s clientele is in the 70 and above age range and is an interesting mix to watch, listen to and observe. Some come in as group, 4 or 5 people with a mix of male and females. They are the ones who in their younger days were always part of some social network and as they aged they traveled together as packs around the word always planning their next adventure.

Then you have the couples, husband and wives. Some, when you watch them, bring a welling of emotion to your throat. The love that has lasted 50 years and is still as strong and fresh as the day they met. A respect for each other, an attentiveness, a caring that seems to bind them whether they are chatting together or each reading a section of paper or waiting as one steps away to freshen up. I wish I could put my finger on what defines them, that moment. But, I can’t as it just is a love that binds them together.

There are many other type of couples, the ones who have only a couple years together, filling each others life with companionship, not wanting to be alone. But, the other one who stands out in my mind from this morning is the one who has been married for 50 or so years who are cold to each other. I don’t know if it is something lacking in each of them, but they talk or hold a conversation but there is no emotion between the two. Sentences are short, no heat, nothing. A long pause between the return sentences from the other. Talking to talk but no connection.

The thing about all of the couples is that none were ‘making the other laugh’, the requirement everyone seems to have in today’s society for their mate. Instead the one that seemed successful to me was the one where the other made them content.

The great translator Stephen Mitchell (the poetry of Rilke, The Book of Job, Tao te Ching…) met an old girlfriend many years after they had been together. After spending some days together catching up she said to him, “”If I could have wished anything for you, it would have been that you might become the person you’ve become.”

from this fascinating article about Mitchell in the Los Angeles Times:

http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/la-ca-stephen-mitchell12-2009apr12,0,631455,full.story