For a little while you forget.  You get caught in all the day to day minutiae of life.  Important meetings, focus on work, just regular life.  But, then you remember…  You have Cancer.

You wait for the call, next steps, appointments.  The things you need to do to get better.  “Make it Go Away!” you cry out.  Get it out of my body.  It took years to manifest but now you want it gone.  As if between one breath and the next it will become invasive and you will never get rid of it.

A travel day, back from Oakland to home.  I am tired, a bit stressed, but I should consider it a good day.  I didn’t cry.

I find myself looking at it clinically.  As if I could divorce myself from the emotions and by doing it solve the underlying problems.

Thank goodness for guided meditation before bed.  It helps me sleep.

I am not sure that Paget’s Disease makes this easy.  You KNOW you have cancer.  The biopsy says you do.  But, you don’t know what the underlying cancer is so you can’t figure out what your options are.  My appointment isn’t until August 12th and that appointment will determine the plan of finding out what my underlying cancer is.  Is it in situ, invasive, am I the 1% of all Paget’s that doesn’t have an underlying cancer?  I want the tests and the answers but have to wait for 2 1/2 weeks.

I spoke to the insurance company today and started to learn what is/is not covered and how much is this likely to cost me.  Thank Goddess for excellent health insurance supplied by my company.  I have a cap on test expenses, the doctors’ appointments are all covered as long as In Network and no life time limit.  It is good when you find out an illness isn’t going to bankrupt you or wipe out your life savings.